Parent Guilt: What Is It and How It Can Hurt Your Relationship

By: Margie Frisco, MA, LPC, CATP, CFTP

Do you often experience parent guilt? Parenting is one of the most challenging jobs, especially when guilt is added to the mix. I have heard parents tell me that they feel guilty when parenting. This can happen for many different reasons.

Learning ways to check where you are parenting from can be hard.  Parenting from guilt can truly impact your child and the relationship. Please keep reading to learn more about guilt and how it affects parenting.

What is Guilt?

Guilt is simply defined in the psychological world as a feeling someone gets when they feel they have done something wrong. Typically, it is something someone puts on themselves. For example, many parents feel guilty when they do not feel they have done enough for their child.

Many parents have reported experiencing parent guilt when they do something for themselves. Or they will feel this when they do not buy something their child really wants. So, the parent feels bad for the child and them blames themselves for not doing the thing the child is asking for.

Guilt is not always factual. What I mean by this is that guilt does not always take into account what you have done for your child.

How to Combat Parent Guilt

Parenting from a place of guilt means that the parent’s behaviors are impacted by guilt. This means their guilt can change their decisions to buy something or allow an activity. For instance, if a parent feels guilty for not being there or working too much, they might buy an extravagant gift. 

Remember, guilt is an emotion. If this emotion is high, it can make our thoughts inaccurate. If you are feeling intense guilt or what I call big feelings, use healthy coping skills first to intentionally make the feeling smaller. A healthy coping skill can be a deep breath, going for a walk, or coloring, to name a few. See this link (https://cincoranchcounseling.com/what-is-a-coping-skill/) to learn more about healthy coping skills.

Once you have calmed the guilt, truly reflect on these few things to help combat guilt. Take time to truly consider what you do for your child.  Please think of how you can provide for them financially.  Please think of how you can provide for them emotionally.  Try your best to think in terms of facts. If you feel that what you have discovered does not meet your family values, work towards making changes.

Another thing to consider is what expectations you are comparing your parenting to.  What I mean here is, are your parenting expectations realistic?  Remember, we are all human, not super mom or super dad.  Everyone has limits to what they can offer. Yes, those limits can look different from person to person.  But in general, making sure your expectations as a parent are realistic can also combat parent guilt.  See below for a clearer set of expectations.

Unrealistic Expectations:

• Never miss a game and/or practice
• Buying everything your child has ever wanted
• Not setting limits to spending
• Not leaving time for parents to have self-care

Realistic Expectations:

• Giving yourself “me time”
• Setting limits with children
• Not comparing yourself to others
• Remembering you are human
• Having empathy for yourself
• Trying your best to show up

Lastly, growing your confidence as a parent is important to combat parent guilt.  Just like guilt is a feeling, so is confidence. If you feel confident about parenting, it will be more difficult for guilt to get so elevated. Remembering yourself as a parent can be beneficial when you do things well. Try keeping a list or journal of when you feel you parented from confidence.  Examples of parenting from confidence are:

• Spending quality time with your child
• Giving affection to help them feel good
• Helping your child with homework
• Staying calm with your child when they are in big feelings
• Apologizing when we make mistakes
• Showing them the importance of self-care
• Showing them how to calm their body with your healthy coping skills
• Putting them in and taking them to after-school activities
• Prioritizing friendships (yours and theirs)
• Taking time to talk with them, genuine conversations
• Helping them with chores
• Providing a clean home/clean clothes
• Providing food for them
• Maintaining their health records

Results of Parent Guilt

If you parent from guilt, that can change how you parent. If your parenting changes, that will impact your child. Parent guilt or giving in to your child’s wants excessively can impact them in the following ways.

• They can struggle with the word no and responsibilities.
• They can learn unhealthy behaviors like selfishness and poor boundaries. Which can also lead to poor social skills.
• They can struggle with anxiety.
• They can struggle with limited self-control.

Parent guilt can truly impact you as a parent and your child.  This shows how it is imperative for parents to learn how to not parent from guilt. Call today to learn more about how to not parent from guilt.  And check out our parenting workshop coming soon! Parenting Workshop

Begin Therapy in Katy, TX!

If you are ready to start working on bettering your parenting skills, one of the therapists at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch can help! We provide parenting counseling, as well as other mental health services. To begin counseling in Katy, TX follow these three steps:

• Contact our office to set up an appointment or to learn more information
• Meet with one of our knowledgeable therapists
• Find ways to thrive through therapy today!

Other Therapy Services We Offer: 

Here at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch, we offer counseling services for people of all ages in areas including counseling for kids, counseling for young adults, teen counseling, couples counseling, eating disorder treatment, men’s issues, women’s issues, anxiety treatment, depression therapy, trauma counseling, family therapy, and group counseling. Our therapists strive to post blogs regularly. We provide helpful information on a variety of mental health topics. To learn more about our therapists and our counseling services, please reach out to the Counseling Center today!