Parenting for High School Age

By: Margie Frisco, MA, LPC, CATP, CFTP

Parenting for high school age teens can feel like parents are finally in the home stretch. Teens are really becoming more independent, but they are not fully able to “adult” themselves. Parents must still help out from time to time.

Parenting, however, looks different.  This can be a significant adjustment not only for the teen but also for the adult parent.

Parenting for High School Age:  What to expect

Again, high school teens are changing and becoming more independent. However, parenting is still mandatory for the teen’s full development. The engagement from the parent will look different.

During this time, parents genuinely need to process this adjustment.  This can bring up many feelings like loss or limited control for the parent.  Expecting changes and looking for healthy ways to process can put the parent in the right head space. 

Having clear expectations for the teens can be really helpful for this adjustment. Parents’ being on the same page is critical. This will consist of many conversations to ensure the parents fully understand each perspective and allow for healthy compromise.

Parenting for High School Age: Natural Consequences

Again, adjusting to parenting a high school teen will change and take time. When these kids were younger, they needed more guidance to help them grow and develop. Considering all of your hard work as a parent, now the teen will need less.

Parents had to provide many healthy consequences when the children were younger. For example, if a child did not do their chores, they would lose screen time. As teens, if we keep such harsh boundaries, this could create a teen who struggles to mature and prepare for the adult world.

Instead of parents creating the consequences, high school teens can genuinely begin to learn via natural consequences.  Natural consequences are just a fancy term for consequences that come directly from the teens’ behaviors.  

For instance, if a teen forgets to do an assignment, they get a poor grade. In younger years, parents might contact the teacher and find out what can be done. The natural consequence for a high school teen is to allow them to contact the teacher/guidance counselor to find a resolution.  

I am aware that some teens may not feel motivated to reach out to the teacher/guidance counselor.  Then, the teen must sit with that consequence.  Maybe they do not get to play the sport, participate in the after-school activity, or go to the college of choice.  These consequences are going to impact the teen more than a lecture from parents.

Parenting for High School Age:  Parenting Involvement

In fact, repeated lectures to high school teens can damage relationships and cause them to reject solutions/help.  Parent involvement for a high school teen is going to change.  This is not only for the teens’ development but also to help the parents become less of the helicopter.

This doesn’t mean that parents don’t guide their children. It simply means that as the parent, you get to pick and choose which battles are worth fighting. For example, if you ask the teen multiple times to do their homework, do they allow them to experience the natural consequence of failing or set a consequence?  

I am a big fan of there is no cookie-cutter answer that works for all families.  Each family must look at what is important to them and choose which battles are worth it to them.  I typically recommend that high school parents choose five things that matter most to them.  Think of them as “hills you are willing to die on,” as the saying goes. 

Considerations for the  “hills”:

• Grades (focus on effort, not necessarily just results)
• Chores (i.e., cleaning, laundry, trash, yard work)
• Quality Time and Love are Not Negotiable (meaning parents cannot withhold)
• Consider What is Important to You
• Consider What is Achievable for Them (set realistic expectations)
• People They Choose to Be Around
• Limits on Screen Time (including social media)
• Check Out the Video Below For More Details

Now, once parents have decided on their hills, they must then decide on what consequences they can realistically enforce and keep consistent. For instance, if the parent(s) choose cleaning and the task is not completed, limit screen time, friend time, and after-school activities.  

I have heard from many parents that consequences “do not work.”  When I hear this, I typically ask how consistent the boundaries are and whether we utilized a consequence that actually motivates the teen. Consider these when boundaries are not achieving what you are looking for.

In Conclusion

I cannot say it enough: parenting is hard. Parenting for high school age teens is one of the hardest times due to all of the adjustments and changes. It is a delicate dance of when to engage and when to let them figure it out.

Remember to check out the video below to help you discover the “hills” you want to enforce and the consequences for high school teens. We will soon start a parenting boot camp to further address parenting for this age group. Check out our other blogs for parenting for other age groups. Call today for more information or to book individual sessions to help your specific family.

Begin Counseling at Our Center in Katy, TX!

If you would like more help with parenting for high school age teens, one of the therapists at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch can help! To begin counseling in Katy Texas, follow these three steps:

1. Contact our office to set up an appointment about parenting.
2. Meet with one of our understanding therapists
3. Discover ways to parent high school aged teens.

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Here at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch, we offer counseling services for people of all ages in areas including counseling for kids, counseling for young adults, teen counseling, couples counseling, eating disorder treatment, men’s issues, women’s issues, anxiety treatment, depression therapy, trauma counseling, family therapy, and group counseling. We provide helpful information on a variety of mental health topics. Our therapists strive to post blogs regularly. To learn more about our therapists and counseling services, please reach out to the Counseling Center today!