Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch
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By: Julie Sekachev, M.Ed, LPC Associate Supervised by Melissa Barton, MA, LPC-S Do you feel like you need to build trust with your partner? Do you feel disconnected from him or her? Does it feel like they are just not there for you when you need them the most? You may start to feel distant […]
Do you feel like you need to build trust with your partner? Do you feel disconnected from him or her? Does it feel like they are just not there for you when you need them the most? You may start to feel distant and unsure of what is happening or how to get the connection you once had back. Read on to find out about trust and how to rebuild it with your partner one interaction at a time.
Trust is transparency. It means that you will do what you say you will do. It answers the age-old question, “are you there for me when I need you the most?” Trust is also positive moral certainty about your partner. Trusting our partners means that we genuinely believe them to be ethical, honest, and good people who treat others with kindness, love, honesty, and goodwill.
Trust is built in everyday interactions, past fights, regrettable incidents, and conflict.
There are opportunities in everyday interactions for couples to build trust and connection. Each partner performs small “trust tests” where they directly or indirectly ask for something from one another. Psychologist John Gottman calls these moments “bids for connection.” In couples
counseling, we identify what these moments are for each partner and work on ways to turn towards or answer these bids.
If these requests for attention are met, trust is built over time, and partners begin to feel like they are there for each other. If, however, partners are not emotionally or physically available, trust can also start to erode over time.
The more your partner is confident that they can effectively get your attention and that you will respond positively, the more risk and vulnerability they will be able to take in the future for other bids.
The way couples respond to bids matters. A partner can choose to turn towards you by acknowledging your request, turn away by ignoring your request, or turn against by responding sarcastically or angrily. If you think of your relationship as an emotional bank account, turning towards makes deposits while turning away or against makes withdraws. Turning towards bids increases positive emotions and humor between couples. The more turning towards bids you have, the more positive effect there appears to be during the conflict.
In couples counseling, we learn how our partner tends to make requests and wants us to respond. An example of a bid maybe “I had the worst day ever at work. I lost an important account.” A turning towards response could be, “I hear you. That must have been so difficult for you. What can I do to meet your need?” A turning away bid could be ignoring your partner by walking away or playing on your phone. A turning against a bid may sound like, “ Why is it always about you?! I had a bad day too, but you never ask!”
Arguments are an inevitable part of all relationships. Attunement, according to John Gottman, Ph.D. is the number one way to regulate heightened emotions, or what he calls” flooding” during an argument. Negative events should be processed through the process of attunement. If they are not fully processed, they are rehearsed repeatedly in each person’s mind and brought up at other arguments. This erodes trust. The “Zeigarnik effect” states that we have better recall for not completely processed events.
When we process emotions with our partners, we build trust by showing them that we are there. Attuning is crucial because it helps us resolve a regrettable event and avoid the chance of festering in our minds.
Emotions do not vanish by being banished. When we dismiss our partner’s feelings, we are saying, “I don’t want to hear about it when you feel this way.” “Just replace your emotion with a positive one.” Emotional dismissing comes from the belief that a person can have any emotion they desire, which is a matter of will.
On the other hand, attunement means being aware of your partner’s emotions, turning towards those emotions, tolerance, understanding, nondefensively listening, and empathy. Shifting from being responsible for changing your partner’s feelings to understanding them. It would be best if you decided to attune. Practice the steps below to build trust:
Check-in with your partner by asking, “How are you doing?” This is an opportunity for intimacy and closeness. Do not be disapproving of negative emotions. Remember your partner’s vulnerabilities and sensitivities and soften how you discuss issues. Imagine your partner wearing a t-shirt with their vulnerabilities written on them.
Ask your partner for a positive need. Shift your perspective away from what you want your partner to stop doing, which will lead to defensiveness to more of what they can do to meet your needs. EX: “I need you to ask me about my day. “This is the responsibility of the speaker, not to begin with blame or criticism.
Tolerance means accepting both the positive and negative emotions your partner experiences. Tolerance does not mean agreement or that we must adapt our partner’s perspective. Accept that your partner’s reality is valid and have their point of view. All feelings are acceptable, but all behavior is not.
Understanding means that we postpone our plan and seek to understand where our partner is coming from. Ask your partner if you have fully understood them or anything more.
Listening without the need to defend yourself requires regulating feelings of defensiveness as you listen to your partner’s negative emotions and perceptions. This is the most challenging social skill in attunement. You can practice controlling your defensiveness by keeping quiet, pausing a beat before responding, and postponing your agenda. The key is to focus on your partner’s perceptions, not just the facts, and remember to breathe and self-soothe.
Listen with compassion and understanding by putting yourself in your partner’s shoes. Seek to see the world through your partner’s eyes. Communicate your empathy and understanding through validation.
To learn more about emotional attunement, see the book The Science of Trust by John Gottman here:
If you want help to deepen your understanding of yourself and your partner and learn skills to improve your relationship, one of the therapists at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch can help! We provide couple’s counseling, as well as other mental health services. To begin couples counseling in Katy, TX, follow these three steps:
Here at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch, we offer counseling services for people of all ages in areas including counseling for kids, counseling for young adults, teen counseling, couples counseling, eating disorder treatment, men’s issues, women’s issues, anxiety treatment, depression therapy, trauma counseling, family therapy, and group counseling. Our therapists strive to post blogs regularly. We provide helpful information on a variety of mental health topics. To learn more about our therapists and counseling services, please reach out to the Counseling Center today!
By: Julie Sekachev, M.Ed, LPC Associate Do you find yourself arguing over money, communication, who will do the chores, jealousy, or how to spend each other’s free time? If so, you are not alone. All happy couples argue about something. However, the key is to develop skills needed to manage conflict effectively. How happy you […]
Do you find yourself arguing over money, communication, who will do the chores, jealousy, or how to spend each other’s free time? If so, you are not alone. All happy couples argue about something. However, the key is to develop skills needed to manage conflict effectively. How happy you are as a couple will depend on how you resolve things you disagree on and how well you understand your partner’s perspective.
Conflict occurs when two parties have a different understanding or position on an important issue. Conflict in marriage is inevitable, and completely normal.
Some common misconceptions about conflict are that it is irreparable, should be avoided, and that it signals that the relationship is doomed to fail. These thinking errors can lead to suppressing our wants and desires in order to avoid an argument, which can be unhealthy and lead to resentment. Conflict can help you understand your partner’s inner world and having the tools to resolve it can help your relationship thrive.
Some Skills In Couples Counseling To Help Resolve ConflictWhen conflict arises avoid using “you statements” which can lead to your partner becoming defensive, practice speaking from this formula instead “I feel…about what…I need.” Describe what is happening from your perspective. Listen with the intent to understand, use validating statements to express empathy such as “I get it, I can see why this upsets you” or “that makes sense that you would feel that way.”
Accepting your partner’s influence can help you build a positive perspective of one another. Practice accepting influence by recognizing that sometimes your partner has good ideas and trying some of them out can help build mutual respect. Take this quiz to see where you stand when it comes to accepting influence from one another:
Love Quiz: Do You and Your Partner Accept Each Other’s Influence?
De-escalate heightened emotions and reduce tension. Firstly, you can start by asking your partner questions like “I don’t feel like you understand me right now, let me try again” or “I’m sorry, I can see my part in this.” Remember to pause if things begin to feel overwhelming by asking to take a break and agreeing on a time to return to discussion after you both had a chance to calm down.
Conflict can help us understand our partner. Asking the right questions during an argument can lead to a deeper understanding of your partner’s inner world. Learning to recognize and explore your partner’s dreams can help you both move through conflict effectively. For instance, asking your partner questions may help you understand them and the situation better.
Some questions you can ask to gain understanding:
Make a list of your core needs and areas of flexibility, ask your partner to do the same. Help each other understand why your core needs are important to you. Work with your partner to find common ground and compromise on your areas of flexibility. Remember compromise will never feel perfect, the key is that you both feel understood and respected in the process.
Couples Counseling Can Help You Resolve ConflictEvery relationship can benefit from couples counseling. Couples counseling is not just for relationships at the brink of falling apart. Couples therapy can help any partnership that needs help navigating conflict. A skilled couples therapist can guide you in identifying the sources of conflict and help you develop the skills you need to improve your communication!
You can also work on specific goals that will help you and your partner establish patterns of emotional and sexual connection that can improve the overall quality of your relationship. If you are stuck in conflict with your partner and would like help getting unstuck, please give us a call at the Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch. We would love to help you cultivate a happy and meaningful relationship with your partner.
If you are ready to improve your relationship, one of the therapists at The Center at Cinco Ranch can help! We provide couple’s counseling as well as other services. To begin couples counseling in Katy, TX follow these three steps:
Here at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch we offer counseling services for people of all ages in areas including: counseling for kids, counseling for young adults, teen counseling, couples counseling, eating disorder treatment, men’s issues, women’s issues, anxiety treatment, depression therapy, trauma counseling, family therapy, and group counseling. Our therapists strive to regularly post blogs. We provide helpful information on a variety of mental health topics. To learn more about our therapists and our counseling services, please reach out to the Counseling Center today!
By: Carey Robey, MS, LPC While conflicts are a normal part of any relationship, they can often lead to arguments and fights that increase our stress and anxiety and can cause rifts in our relationships. Learning conflict resolution skills can assist you in maintaining healthy boundaries, increase healthy communication skills, and lead you to improved […]
While conflicts are a normal part of any relationship, they can often lead to arguments and fights that increase our stress and anxiety and can cause rifts in our relationships. Learning conflict resolution skills can assist you in maintaining healthy boundaries, increase healthy communication skills, and lead you to improved relationships. These are a few tips you can start utilizing today to resolve conflicts in a healthy way and keep relationships and mental health strong.
A Few Ways To Have Healthy Conflict ResolutionFirstly, remember that a conflict is a disagreement. Sometimes these disagreements may be big, but make the relationship the priority. Conflicts continue to fester when they are ignored. Be sure that you do not fear addressing the issue. Ignoring a problem, whether real or perceived, can lead to resentment. When addressing the problem, be sure you are in a calm and open state of mind.
If you need a few minutes to collect yourself, take the time to do so. This avoids things getting heated and the potential of someone losing control. Some conflicts may trigger strong emotions and it is important that we prepare for this- be mindful and recall your coping skills.
Secondly, it is essential that we understand and state our needs when trying to resolve conflicts and work towards being understanding and compassionate to the needs of others. Be aware of how and what you are communicating and avoid any disrespectful words or comments- also, facial expressions! If you notice the urge to engage in this, it’s time for a break.
Let whomever you are in conflict with know you need a few minutes, but will return to resolve the issue later. While you may be tempted to not return, it is important to do so to allow for resolution and avoid any chance of resentment or pent up negative feelings later. When communicating with the person you are in conflict with, be sure to focus on facts and express your feelings; try to avoid placing blame.
Remember it is okay to agree to disagree. There may be times when conflicts are not resolved in the way you’d prefer. Think of what your responsibility is in the situation and what you have control over. Is there anything you can do to improve your circumstance?
Resolving conflicts in a healthy way provides opportunity for self-growth and can lead to stronger and healthier relationships. If you notice conflict being frequent, try to notice causes. When we can recognize the cause of a conflict, we can work towards avoiding it. Remember to utilize coping skills if things get heated. Do not be afraid to take a time-out. Need more tips? Come in for therapy to work on how to better manage emotions, assert boundaries, and increase healthy communication.
If you are ready to find relief from conflict in your relationship, the therapists at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch can help! We provide therapy to people of all ages. To begin counseling in Katy, TX, follow these three steps:
Here at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch we offer treatment services for adults, teens, kids, couples and families. We offer counseling services in trauma counseling, counseling for kids, counseling for young adults, teen counseling, couples counseling, eating disorder treatment, depression treatment, men’s issues, women’s issues, family therapy, and group counseling. Our therapists strive to regularly post blogs with helpful information on a variety of mental health topics. To learn more about our therapists and our counseling services, please reach out to the Counseling Center today!