What is Sorry
By: Margie Frisco, MA, LPC, CATP, CFTP
Saying sorry can be a rough task. It can be hard to put the words together —to know when to say it and how to say it. The options are endless.
Also, people can feel they have to say sorry a lot. Maybe the apology could be structured in a way that actually helps make a change. A sincere apology with meaning can help make a relationship flourish.
Sorry, Components
Saying sorry isn’t just saying two words. The act of saying sorry is essential as it can help the other person feel heard and validated. When a person feels heard and validated, it helps build a more dynamic relationship that deepens the emotional bond.
Creating a healthy emotional bond is why taking apologies seriously is so important. As humans, we have a primitive drive to want to connect with others. When we have a strong emotional bond with people, it can support our mental health, boost our self-esteem, and create a sense of safety and security that can truly change a life.
Saying Sorry
Just as saying sorry is important, understanding how to say sorry is equally important. In this section, we talk about how to say sorry. The focus is more on tone/inflection, and on the deeper meaning of ‘sorry’.
For example, if you say ‘hello’ calmly, it sounds one way. Now imagine the person that you are saying hi to just said something mean to you. Is your hello going to sound the same? Practice this exercise in the mirror. How did your facial expressions and body language change?
All of this impacts the message to the person receiving the apology. If your tone and body language are anything but empathetic and understanding, I wonder whether the person heard you. Again, the purpose of the apology is to help the person feel heard and validated. If you come at them with anger, sadness, or any other emotion, it can affect whether they understand your apology or interpret your message differently.
Of course, you cannot control how someone interprets your message. However, there is some ownership in how the message was delivered. And again, if your goal is to be close with this person, helping them feel heard and validated can help you achieve it. Winning an argument will not.
Saying Sorry for What
Another component of saying sorry is being specific about what you are sorry for. Reflect on a time when you might have said a blanket, “I’m sorry.” How did that go? Did you mean sorry? Did the other person understand the apology? Or did that situation feel like it was swept under the rug?
A prime example is when parents make children apologize because it is the socially correct thing to do. Don’t get me wrong —yes, please teach your children social norms. However, the first few times of “Apologize for hitting your brother/sister,” and the begrudging “Fine. Sorry,” did the behavior happen again? Typically, yes — children are learning.
Saying what you are specifically sorry for helps you fully understand the offense. It gives the other person an opportunity to clarify if that was not the cause of the stress. And it again allows for the other person to feel heard and validated.
Sorry with Amends
The final portion of an effective apology is an action. This is where we define how the behavior will change. This is so we can also build trust with this person. Keep in mind, these need to be things you can control. The reason taking amends is so essential is that it prevents the need to keep apologizing.
Some examples of amends are:
- Not doing a specific behavior (i.e., hitting, yelling, ignoring, etc.)
- Changing to healthier communication
- Changing a behavior
- Validating someone’s feelings
- Work towards a healthy compromise
- Thinking before acting/talking
For individuals who repeatedly apologize, reflect on why they need to apologize so much. Feeling the need to apologize repeatedly can be for many reasons:
- Feeling nervous or worried
- No change was made, so the same situation keeps recurring
- There is a misunderstanding about the change
- The change was not adequate to make an emotional impact
Once you discover the reason for the repeated apology, you can address it. This will help you build a richer, more meaningful connection. If this part is confusing or complicated, call today to have one of our therapists help process and get to the why.
Saying sorry can genuinely be difficult. Many components go into an effective apology. It’s your tone/inflection, the words, the meaning, and the behaviors that will leave a lasting impact on your relationships. Call today for more information or to book individual sessions to help you say sorry.
Begin Counseling at Our Center in Katy, TX!
If you would like more help with saying sorry, one of the therapists at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch can help! To begin counseling in Katy Texas, follow these three steps:
- Contact our office to set up an appointment about saying sorry.
- Meet with one of our knowledgeable therapists
- Discover ways to say sorry today!
Other Therapy Services We Offer:
Here at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch, we offer counseling services for people of all ages in areas including counseling for kids, counseling for young adults, teen counseling, couples counseling, eating disorder treatment, men’s issues, women’s issues, anxiety treatment, depression therapy, trauma counseling, family therapy, and group counseling. We provide helpful information on a variety of mental health topics. Our therapists strive to post blogs regularly. To learn more about our therapists and counseling services, please reach out to the Counseling Center today!
