Identifying Relationship Red Flags in Yourself

Posted: August 9, 2024

By: Natasha Cooke, MS, LPC Associate Supervised by Melissa Barton, MA, LPC-S Are you single and looking to learn how you can finally begin a healthy and secure relationship? If so, as a relationship therapist myself, I have some valuable info for you.

What Are Relationship Red Flags?

We’ve all heard of “red flags” in relationships. Most likely you’ve found yourself in the following situation – you start dating someone only to realize later that they had a sizable number of red flags. You had thick love goggles on or chose to ignore those harmful qualities while you were together. But now, you are keen on identifying red flags in people before or while you are dating them. Sound familiar? Although knowing what traits you do and don’t want in a relationship is certainly helpful, it is equally valuable to recognize healthy and unhealthy tendencies in yourself.

Relationship Green Flags in Yourself

Relationship green flags are healthy attributes, beliefs, and behaviors that are likely to lead to a functional, happy relationship. The following are some examples of “relationship green flags,” in oneself. Green Flag: Being open-minded. Essentially, this refers to not having a rigid “type” (not that it’s necessarily wrong to have a preference on physical appearance or personality type), such as insisting that your partner needs to be a certain height, have a particular profession, or share all the same interests and hobbies as you. Rather, it’s more important to know the qualities you respect and want in a partner. For example, wanting your partner to value family, have professional goals or aspirations in life, have similar spiritual beliefs, preferences on kids, pets, lifestyle choices, etc. Green Flag: Communicating throughout the process. Being upfront about what you want from a relationship can save a lot of heartache. This can include not “playing games” or intentionally toying with the other person’s emotions. Furthermore, you should be able to share important feelings with your partner. For instance, being able to let your partner know that the joke they just told was hurtful to you or, on the flip side, share that something they did (such as learning your coffee order) meant a lot to you. Green Flag: Knowing how to have fun and also plan for the future. You should be able to enjoy the dating process while also having conversations about what you want or need from your partner and where you hope the relationship is headed.

Relationship Red Flags in Yourself

Relationship red flags are those personality qualities, behaviors, and thought patterns that are potentially damaging to the relationship. Below are some examples of “red flags.” However, this by no means, is an exhaustive list. It’s merely intended to help you begin acknowledging some areas in which could use improvement in yourself. Red Flag: Saying you will never change or compromise. Building a healthy relationship involves learning to be the best version of yourself. This may include improving some aspects of yourself. This doesn’t mean giving up the essence of who you are. It simply means that you are willing to work on yourself for you and your partner. In addition, compromise is a key component in every relationship. Red Flag: Believing that love is the only important thing in a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, love is important, but so is trust and respect. Without having mutual respect and trust, love is simply not always enough. Additionally, friendship in a relationship is also essential. Red Flag: Rushing into a relationship or marriage. If possible, it’s important to take your time getting to know your partner before rushing into marriage, moving in together, or making any big life decisions. I’ve witnessed many couples that regret not spending more time dating and learning more about one another before jumping into a big commitment.

What to Do About Red Flags

As a relationship therapist myself, I may be a bit biased when I suggest that going to see a licensed professional counselor may be one of the best ways to address red flags in yourself. This way, you can work through issues you have that hold you back from having the relationship you really want. At the same time, a good counselor will help you recognize and build on your existing strengths. Remember, therapy is about learning who you are and helping you become the person you want to be.

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