By: Tara Kong, MS, NCC, LPC- Associate Supervised by Melissa Barton, LPC-S

Infidelity Betrayal Phase 2: Attunement

Welcome to the continued part of my blog on infidelity betrayal. In this phase of recovery, the couple has already gone through a lot of atonement and is in a place where forgiveness can start to take place. This allows the couple to begin to look towards moving forward and building a new relationship. Both partners need to realize that there were some needs not being met and problems in the old relationship. The couple must now turn their focus to finding solutions and coming up with a new game plan for getting one another’s needs met. Be vulnerable John Gottman describes attunement as the desire and ability to understand and respect your partner’s inner world. Gottman states it is important that the couple share vulnerabilities with one another and be fully transparent. This prevents the partner from feeling isolated or unseen in the relationship. Gottman has many recommendations in his book What Makes Love Last? One of the suggestions is to have a set time each day to ask each other how their day went. This helps build trust by knowing the details of each other’s day and having that connection.

Infidelity Betrayal: “I” statements with your partner

When talking with your partner about feelings, it is helpful to eliminate “you” statements and replace them with statements that begin with “I feel.” Instead of saying, “You act like a jerk,” say, “I feel frustrated and angry when you leave dirty clothes on the floor.” Another beneficial tip is to ask open-ended questions. This allows the speaker to talk more freely and not give a one-word answer as a reply. This helps open discussion and continues the conversation. It is easy to start attacking one another in discussions following cheating because the hurt is real, and feelings are still raw. Using these suggestions helps promote a calm atmosphere from getting out of control. Sharing emotions and being aware of the other person’s feelings is useful. This also helps the couple to feel more connected.

Infidelity Betrayal: Be an Active Listener, but why?

The goal is not to solve problems when someone is sharing how they feel but to be an active listener and support their partner, not fix all the problems. Of course, it can be good to help problem solve, but sometimes it is most important to be there after infidelity betrayal. Using this technique helps in communicating feelings and improves confidence in communication. Being transparent and vulnerable takes a lot of bravery. A counselor can help couples be able to express their emotions healthily. Being open requires a person to express their innermost thoughts. By being willing to be vulnerable, trust can be rebuilt. Being honest about insecurities and fears helps foster connection and knowing the other person more deeply. Stay tuned for the third and final part of this series on how to recover from infidelity.

Begin Couples Counseling in Katy, TX!

If you are ready to work through infidelity betrayal, one of the therapists at The Center at Cinco Ranch can help! We provide mental health counseling, as well as other mental health services. To begin counseling in Katy, TX follow these three steps:

• Contact our office to set up an appointment or to learn more about emotionally focused therapy
• Meet with one of our compassionate therapists
• Find ways to thrive in your relationship!

Other Therapy Services We Offer: 

Here at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch, we offer counseling services for people of all ages in areas including counseling for kids, counseling for young adults, teen counseling, couples counseling, eating disorder treatment, men's issues, women's issues, anxiety treatment, depression therapy, trauma counseling, family therapy, and group counseling. Our therapists strive to post blogs regularly. We provide helpful information on a variety of mental health topics. To learn more about our therapists and our counseling services, please reach out to the Counseling Center today!