By: Tara Kong, MS, NCC, LPC- Associate Supervised by Melissa Barton, LPC-S Infidelity Betrayal in Couples is hard! One of the biggest questions I get asked after an affair has been discovered is: how can I ever trust my partner again? Trust is such an important part of any relationship. To have it broken leads to a lot of heartaches, pain, and questions about the future. John Gottman is a leader in couples counseling.  He has a three-phase process to help heal from infidelity betrayal. To begin, this will be part one of a three-part series on recovering from an affair.

Infidelity Betrayal Phase 1: Atone

First, allow the partner who was betrayed to express all feelings fully. This can include anger, sadness, disappointment, and criticism of their partner. This phase can last for many months. According to the Gottman Method, it is the responsibility of the person who cheated to take full responsibility for their actions and make amends. The person who cheated needs to have a lot of patience when dealing with the fallout of their infidelity betrayal while being non-defensive. Therefore, making repair attempts cannot happen if the person who cheated is blaming the other person for their mistakes, making excuses, or seeking revenge for why they cheated.

Trust After Infidelity Betrayal

If you are betrayed you will have issues trusting your partner again and will often be triggered. Moreover, the cheating will come up. During this phase, the betrayed person gets caught up in the hurt and anger towards you and the infidelity betrayal. This can be the hardest phase for a couple to get through together. If you are the partner who cheated, you may feel like the situation will never get better. For instance, cheating might even end up being the topic of conversation in arguments or disagreements. Instead of defending yourself whenever angry outbursts occur, it is best to take full responsibility and apologizes for the hurt that was caused. Despite taking full responsibility for the infidelity betrayal, the person who was betrayed has an important role. Being able to forgive!

Infidelity Betrayal: Get It All Out After Infidelity

If you are the wounded partner, to move on, you may need to get the answers to why and how it happened. Your partner needs to be 100% honest and open, even if it feels uncomfortable and awkward. It can seem counterproductive to include full details, and though it can cause a lot of heartache, it can be needed to reach forgiveness for the infidelity betrayal. Having these conversations with a therapist is helpful as both partners can become overwhelmed if there is no mediator.

Infidelity Betrayal: Actions Speak Louder Than Words

If you cheated, you can tell your partner it will never happen again. However, unless the words are backed up with actions, they will be meaningless. Infidelity betrayal needs to have action to implement change. Gottman states trust can be rebuilt by being fully transparent and allowing the partner to know where and what they are doing at all times. This includes allowing access to credit card records, texts, and calendars. This can seem like a lot. Many are against this at first, but the payoff is worth the sacrifice. If you cheated, you need to make an effort to keep their word on all things, big and small. This can be discouraging because it can feel like a lack of freedom and independence. Keep in mind, infidelity betrayal can take some time to heal. Importantly, the hurt partner needs to feel a sense of security and safety. They need to receive constant proof of their partner being truthful and honest. Moreover, the person who cheated will need to sacrifice some of their privacy and any activities that lead to the cheating. For example, going to bars or secretive behaviors. Until the trust is rebuilt in the relationship, those places and people are off limits. Alternatively, some of these activities may be good to stop completely as to not put their partner in a vulnerable place for cheating to happen again. If the couple has decided to stay together, the hurt partner must be open to forgiving and being and patient. Yes, the cheating was wrong, but they are doing their best to change and move forward for the better. Stay tuned for next week’s part two!

Begin Couples Counseling in Katy, TX!

If you are ready to work through Infidelity Betrayal, one of the therapists at The Center at Cinco Ranch can help! We provide mental health counseling, as well as other mental health services. To begin counseling in Katy, TX follow these three steps:

• Contact our office to set up an appointment or to learn more about emotionally focused therapy
• Meet with one of our compassionate therapists
• Find ways to thrive in your relationship!

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