Narcissistic Personality Disorder In Relationships

By: Katherine Lickteig, MA, LPC Associate

Supervised by Melissa Barton, MA, LPC-S

Narcissistic Personality Disorder, what is it?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder in relationships isn't a battle you need to face on your own. So what is NPD? NPD is a personality disorder that is characterized by having an inflated sense of own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. While considering your personal needs can be a necessary form of self-preservation. This is one of several personality disorders and can have an extremely detrimental effect on relationships because of the affected person's behavior patterns. Many people in a relationship with narcissists report being constantly criticized and devalued. The stress of dealing with a person is why most relationships can be doomed to failure.   

What makes relationships with someone who had NPD so difficult?

The biggest difficulty of living with a person that struggles with NPD comes from the person’s need to obsessively control every aspect of their environment. They tend to be control freaks. The reason for this is that they fear anything that will make them look bad. They receive their validation from external forces. The biggest fear of a person suffering from NPD is an event that may reveal any flaw or stressor that may take them beyond what they think they’re capable of handling. It does not take much to crush their already fragile sense of self-worthAnother thing that will throw a narcissist off is change. Any time you ask an NPD to change, they are presented with new challenges and unpredictable circumstances. A narcissist will fear change because, despite their arrogant facade, they constantly question their ability to adapt. So, if you happen to be the partner of a narcissist, you will have to be always on alert. You might comment or even plan something that may send this person into narcissistic rage. Narcissists often fear surprises. You must also remember that even the gentlest criticism will shatter their fragile ego. A person in a relationship with an NPD will find the constant need to walk on eggshells. This is what makes it very difficult to live with a narcissist. You can never feel free to be who you are. They need you to be an adoring extension of them. You will need to offer them constant support and your constant adoration. However, it does not matter how adoring and supportive you are; it will never be enough. The fact that you can never totally be yourself, coupled with dealing with a person with a fragile ego, will create a frustrating environment in the relationship. Remember that not only do they expect you to adore them, but they will never reciprocate. Most of the time, they will take every opportunity to devalue you to undermine your confidence.

What is the purpose of NPD to devalue their partner?

Since a narcissist has a very fragile ego, it falls on their partner to validate that they are good, important people. If a partner fails to do that or even if you offer constructive criticism, the NPD will often turn to the devaluation of their partner. You must remember that when a narcissist devalues you, it has very little to do with you. It is rooted in their need to feel superior by comparison. They feel that by putting you down, they are better by comparison. An NPD will also use devaluation to undermine your confidence and make you question your thoughts, actions, or interpretations. They will often try to create a new reality for you because if they can make you feel as though you’re not good enough, in their mind, it will make it hard for you to leave the relationship. This toxic tactic of allowing your partner needs to be resisted so that you, the other, can preserve your mental health. If not, you can easily fall prey to narcissistic victim syndrome.

What are the effects of the toxic traits of an NPD?

Relationships with narcissists tend to deteriorate over time because of their toxic behavior. They are often charming at the beginning of a relationship or when they might need something. They tend to be manipulative, critical, or moody at other times. Often, they might just ignore you altogether. It depends on what serves them the best. Narcissists will be very sweet, giving, accepting, and open-minded at the beginning of the relationship. It seems as if they are too good to be true. You will find out later that the saying if it is too good to be true then it is probably not. They eventually show their true personality over time.So, most people, simply cannot continue to be around the destructive behaviors of a Narcissist. The toxic behavior is why most relationships with a narcissist fail. However, some people don’t have the choice of leaving their narcissistic abuser. They will need other strategies to deal with toxic behavior. 

Strategies to deal with the toxic behavior of a narcissist

For whatever reason, you might choose to stay in your relationship with a narcissist. It might be a relationship with your parents or even with your child. You love them and you can bring yourself to go no contact. You might still see the good in them despite their toxic behavior. It might be as simple as not leaving them because you are financially dependent on them.Whatever your reason, if you choose to continue the relationship with the narcissist to protect your mental health, you will want to develop some strategies for dealing with the Narcissist. Learn ways to protect yourself from the emotionally destructive bond you share with them. 

1.  Quit Pleasing the NPD

Narcissists have impossible standards, and they are impossible to please. Start living your life on your terms, and refuse to give them emotion, so you will never be able to please them. Stop constantly seeking their validation, or you will end up disappointed.

1.  Set Boundaries

Set clear boundaries in your relationship and be firm with maintaining them. If the other person in the relationship continually tests your boundaries, then you have every right to go no contact. All relationships must be built on mutual respect. When you first set boundaries, you may find it difficult at first, but with practice, you come to find that saying “no” can be quite empowering.

1.  Be careful what you share

When you share personal information about yourself, you open yourself to being vulnerable, and with a person that can be trusted, that is an amazing thing. A narcissist can and often will use your confidence to criticize or even humiliate you. So, remember that you are under no obligation to share personal experiences or intimate feelings with them.

1.  Accept Their Limitations

Let’s face it! You alone are not going to be able to change the NPD. Remember, as they get older and are more established in their habits, they are almost impossible to change. If your NPD has relied on narcissistic strategies to survive until this point in their lives, changing their personality is going to be a major endeavor. So, unfortunately, if you are going to maintain the relationship, then you are going to have to accept that they are who they are. You will have to choose to work around the limitations of the NPD. You might want to cater your contact with the NPD to what you are comfortable with. Maybe cut visits short or even stay in your own space when visiting or living with NPD. Remember, you have the power to decide.

1.  Do not try to reason and rationalize

Why try to reason with a narcissist? You will never win because you do not live in their world or live by the rules of their world. Another thing that a partner may do is rationalize their behavior. When you justify their toxic behavior, you negatively impact their well-being. It also comes off as enabling their bad behavior.

1.  Sometimes “Just Leave” 

Narcissists tend to make unreasonable demands and expect everyone to be at their beck and call. You are under no obligation to spend any time that you do not choose. If a situation is too toxic, it might be best just to either avoid them or leave if it is too much to handle. Always have an exit strategy when dealing with a narcissist. Always remember that the atmosphere can always deteriorate. A good exit strategy will allow you a predetermined way to get out.

1.  Self-Care! Self-Care! Self-Care!

Dealing with a person with a narcissistic personality disorder is exhausting. It’s stressful and unpredictable. It will eventually impact your overall mental and physical health. You will need to make time for yourself and indulge in regular self-care. Make sure you start with the basics, like getting a good night's sleep, eating well, exercising, or just taking a long bath. You also need to be sure to address your mental health needs.

So where do we go from here

If necessary, you may need to seek professional help. Do not neglect to surround yourself with a supportive and mentally healthy social network. You may need to find an outlet for your stress and grief through meditation, exercise, hobbies, and general fun. You will find it easier to deal with an NPD if you are mentally and physically happy and whole.A relationship with a Narcissist will probably be one of the most difficult relationships that you will ever experience. They can be toxic, dishonest, manipulative, and unpredictable. But we cannot help the person that we have chosen to love, and you might still love them despite their issues. But remember, make sure to take strong measures to preserve who you are. Set those strong boundaries, tell yourself positive affirmations, and it does not hurt to get plenty of time away. Even with all of that, you may find it difficult to manage the relationship. Whatever you decide, a qualified therapist can help you understand better how narcissism affects a relationship. 

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