Processing Grief with Children
By: Simrah Wasim, MS, LPC Associate
Supervised by: Melissa Barton, MA, LPC-S, LCDC, CCTP
Experiencing a traumatic event such as the death of a loved one can be an overwhelming process for people of all ages. However, this can be especially difficult for children. Grief is a natural healing process that differs between adults and children. Children process their emotions depending on their age and development level. Children may also have questions about what death is and confusion with their thoughts and feelings.
What Ages Does A Child Start To Understand Grief?
Infants have no understanding of death but are aware of separation. They will most likely cry and change their eating and sleeping habits. Children aged 3-6 do not fully understand what it means when someone dies. They believe that death is temporary, and that the person might be asleep. Children at this age can go through feelings of guilt. They believe that the person might have passed away because they did something bad. Children would try to reverse this act by behaving well and hoping the person would “wake up.” At this age, it is difficult for them to verbalize their feelings so they might act aggressively, show physical symptoms, and cause a shift in routine.
Children aged 6-12 can understand death. They learn about death and what it might mean from a spiritual and religious perspective. The mind is curious at this age and many questions can be asked about the death of a person and what happens after. Children at this age can still struggle with verbalizing feelings. They can also show signs of aggression, intense sadness, physical symptoms, lower performance in school or other activities, relationships, and more. Teenagers can understand death but do not have all the tools to start the coping process. They can act out with all the symptoms for the ages prior and add on drug use, alcohol use, physical altercations with others, and engage in sexual activities.
Children may experience feelings of grief in waves. They might not feel intense feelings constantly, but ups and downs over some time. These feelings are also expected to appear in other life events due to triggers such as birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, etc. Children may also express physical symptoms such as stomachaches or headaches. Grief can affect their concentration in school or other extracurricular activities. These are all normal feelings after the loss of a loved one. A child needs to process their loss safely and productively.
Here Are A Few Ways That Parents Can Help Their Child Process Grief.
Be honest with your child and use correct terms such as “died.” Other phrases will further add confusion to the child’s process. Understanding that they no longer do things as if they were alive will help them understand what death means.
Engage in open and honest conversations. Be prepared to discuss difficult questions that the child might have.
Validate your child’s feelings and verbalize that you are there to support them.
Encourage activities to be done together as well as individually. For example, reading books, playing games, drawing, painting, sitting in the sunshine, and many more activities can be therapeutic during this tough time.
Make sure that your child is aware that it is not their fault.
Expressing your emotions first as a parent/guardian can motivate the child to discuss their thoughts and feelings.
Explain that grief is not always sadness; it can also include anger, guilt, shock, denial, etc.
As more time passes, try to identify triggers with your child that may lead to intense feelings.
Seek professional help if needed.
Try to maintain a routine so their daily life is not affected tremendously
Honoring the person who died and positively remembering the person.
If your child is struggling deeply with a loss to where their safety is concerned, please call 911 immediately and seek out help from mental health professionals.
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