Setting Boundaries With Kids
Posted: August 9, 2023
By: Margie Frisco, MA, LPC Associate
Supervised by Melissa Barton, MA, LPC-S
What is a Boundary With Kids?
First, let's start with defining a boundary. A boundary is telling someone where to stop. This can be something logistical or emotional. For example, “Do not call someone a name” or “Do not touch a fire.”
Furthermore, boundaries can help children learn social skills. This can be a tool you have as a parent to help your child navigate what to do in social settings. It teaches kids how to listen/respect others and how to tell others how they would prefer for others to act around them.
How often have you told your children to do something, and they do not listen? I know; this has happened to me too! There can be a second part of the boundary. The second part is something you can control.
For instance, “Please do not snatch this toy from your sibling. If you do this again, there will be a consequence.” I will say before you communicate your boundary, make sure to check your emotions first. Children learn from what they see and hear. If we communicate with anger/frustration in our voice, children can pick that up. And they might even speak in the same manner.
Can a Consequence Be in a Boundary?
What I mean by consequence is something that you choose, is age-appropriate, and is effective for your child. It is important to have a consequence you have control over. For example, say the consequence is not going to play with friends. But then they go to daycare and play with friends. That was not something you could control.
Another part of the consequences needs to be something that is age appropriate. If you use time out, pick a practical time for your child. For instance, if a five-year-old hits another child, several hours of time out will be ineffective. It will probably torcher you and the child. Instead, make the time something smaller, closer to their age.
Lastly, it is essential to note that not all consequences work for every child. That is ok. I recommend finding what deters your child. Some children do not like limited screen time, extra chores, or even time away from others. There could be a plethora of options. The point of a consequence is to keep your child from doing something.
Children can be difficult sometimes. Don’t get me wrong. We love our children and think the world of them. But sometimes, they can challenge parents.
Remember, depending on age and reason, children are typically expected to push the boundaries. Of course, there can be other reasons why a child is resisting. But for the most part, children are learning.
I do not say this to give your child a pass. You still have to help your child learn. However, this can be helpful to remember that they were not born with these tools. It can help you have compassion not only for your child but for yourself too.
Fair warning, when you begin using boundaries with your child, they might have some initial pushback. Children are egocentric. This is just a fancy way of saying they have a hard time thinking of others and others' perspectives. Kids are born this way.
Have a realistic expectation that children will resist the new way of doing things. That is understandable. If you persist and stay consistent, children will learn.
Setting Boundaries With Kids
Setting boundaries with kids can be tricky. It can be difficult to think of what you want the boundary to look like. And it can be even worse to actually implement them.What is a Boundary With Kids?
First, let's start with defining a boundary. A boundary is telling someone where to stop. This can be something logistical or emotional. For example, “Do not call someone a name” or “Do not touch a fire.”
Furthermore, boundaries can help children learn social skills. This can be a tool you have as a parent to help your child navigate what to do in social settings. It teaches kids how to listen/respect others and how to tell others how they would prefer for others to act around them.
How often have you told your children to do something, and they do not listen? I know; this has happened to me too! There can be a second part of the boundary. The second part is something you can control.
For instance, “Please do not snatch this toy from your sibling. If you do this again, there will be a consequence.” I will say before you communicate your boundary, make sure to check your emotions first. Children learn from what they see and hear. If we communicate with anger/frustration in our voice, children can pick that up. And they might even speak in the same manner.
Can a Consequence Be in a Boundary?
What I mean by consequence is something that you choose, is age-appropriate, and is effective for your child. It is important to have a consequence you have control over. For example, say the consequence is not going to play with friends. But then they go to daycare and play with friends. That was not something you could control.
Another part of the consequences needs to be something that is age appropriate. If you use time out, pick a practical time for your child. For instance, if a five-year-old hits another child, several hours of time out will be ineffective. It will probably torcher you and the child. Instead, make the time something smaller, closer to their age.
Lastly, it is essential to note that not all consequences work for every child. That is ok. I recommend finding what deters your child. Some children do not like limited screen time, extra chores, or even time away from others. There could be a plethora of options. The point of a consequence is to keep your child from doing something.
Realistic Expectations When Setting Boundaries With Kids
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If you would like more help setting boundaries with kids, one of the therapists at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch can help! We provide mental health counseling, as well as other mental health services. To begin counseling in Katy, TX follow these three steps:- Contact our office to set up an appointment or to learn more information
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