Ways to Communicate Better with Your Spouse
Posted: July 1, 2023
By: Tara Kong, MS, NCC, LPC-Associate
Supervised by Melissa Barton, MA, LPC-S
Big arguments can, at times, come out of nowhere. One minute you’re discussing what to have for dinner Saturday night, and the next, a comment from your spouse can send your blood pressure to a boiling point. In the moment, it can be hard to have control of your thoughts and the words that come out of your mouth. Relationship experts John and Julie Gottman recommend practicing a skill called gentle start-ups. So what is a gentle start-up? Gentle start-ups are a skill that is used to have better communication. It’s not just about what you’re saying, but HOW you say it.
The first way to communicate better with your spouse is to practice using “I” statements. When you begin a sentence saying “you,” it often shows criticism toward the other partner. It can contain the words always and never. For example, “You never take the trash out! Why can’t you ever pick up after yourself?” Instead, an “I” statement would come something like this: “I feel frustrated when the trash overflows. I would really appreciate it if you could take it out.” See the difference? When criticism is used, the other person will most likely feel defensive. When we feel defensive, it affects our ability to want to hear and understand our partner. Describe how you’re feeling instead of describing your partner.
The second way to communicate better with your spouse is to describe the situation. Don’t use words of accusation or blame. Try to be objective and non-judgmental. For example, “you never do the dishes.” could instead be said as “the sink is full of dirty dishes.”
Show Appreciation
The last way to communicate better with your spouse is to give and show appreciation. Pointing out the positive things you like about your partner is always the best way to go. When making a request, follow the request with an example of how your partner has been successful in the past or done something you liked. Talk about how much you appreciated it and would like it to continue that way. Who doesn’t appreciate someone noticing something you did well or receiving a compliment? They say you get more bees with honey, and that statement can also apply to relationships.
Using “I” Statements and Being Objective
The first way to communicate better with your spouse is to practice using “I” statements. When you begin a sentence saying “you,” it often shows criticism toward the other partner. It can contain the words always and never. For example, “You never take the trash out! Why can’t you ever pick up after yourself?” Instead, an “I” statement would come something like this: “I feel frustrated when the trash overflows. I would really appreciate it if you could take it out.” See the difference? When criticism is used, the other person will most likely feel defensive. When we feel defensive, it affects our ability to want to hear and understand our partner. Describe how you’re feeling instead of describing your partner.
The second way to communicate better with your spouse is to describe the situation. Don’t use words of accusation or blame. Try to be objective and non-judgmental. For example, “you never do the dishes.” could instead be said as “the sink is full of dirty dishes.”
Be Clear and Positive
The third way to communicate better is to be clear about what you need and speak in positive terms. Instead of talking about what you don’t want or don’t like, talk about what you want. In an ideal world, what would things look like? Don’t expect your partner to automatically know what you’re thinking or assume that they already know what you want. Some positive statements can sound like this: “I would really like to have help doing the laundry, I appreciate it when you pick up your clothes on the floor, or I feel very overwhelmed. I would really like some help making dinner.” The fourth way to communicate better is to make sure you are being courteous and polite. It’s ironic that we often talk to our partners in ways we would never talk to our friends or strangers. When making a request, it is important to say please and to show appreciation when your partner does something you like.Show Appreciation
The last way to communicate better with your spouse is to give and show appreciation. Pointing out the positive things you like about your partner is always the best way to go. When making a request, follow the request with an example of how your partner has been successful in the past or done something you liked. Talk about how much you appreciated it and would like it to continue that way. Who doesn’t appreciate someone noticing something you did well or receiving a compliment? They say you get more bees with honey, and that statement can also apply to relationships.
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