Healthy Bonding
By: Margie Frisco, MA, LPC, CATP, CFTP
Bonding can seem daunting. Simply put, it is how humans connect. We naturally seek connection; as social creatures, we grow, succeed, and thrive through it.
Bonding occurs in many ways—through verbal communication, body language, actions, shared similarities, and emotional connections. Communication and engagement may vary depending on whom you seek to connect with.
For example, if you are bonding with a child, your behavior will differ from when you connect with an adult co-worker. Your word choice and communication style change as a result of age differences and emotional closeness. A child may be emotionally closer to you than a co-worker. This blog covers ways to intentionally foster healthy bonds with various people.
Healthy Bonding with Kids
Bonding with children looks very different. Children lack the understanding of bonding, so parents must take the initiative.
Children bond in limited ways since their vocabulary and brains are not fully developed. The specific age will determine what is more age-appropriate. Also, meeting the child where they are at is very important. This means you, the adult, will adjust to meet them. Meaning, if your child loves board games but you might be a play-outside kind of person, it might be easier to get your child engaged if you start with something they are interested in. Once the bond is there, you both can try new things together.
The reason meeting a child where they are is so important is to help the child feel secure in their own skin. If parents come to their children and say, “No, let’s play this instead,” children could hear the message that their idea was not good enough. Plus, allowing them to pick the activity will give them an opportunity to practice independence. Children do not always get choices, so practicing confident decision-making can be limited; create it.
Bonding with children means spending intentional quality time together. Some ways to meet children where they are include:
- Play
- Watch a movie/TV show
- Sing/Dance
- Cook
- Talk
- Make art
- Read to and with them
Healthy Bonding with Teens
Bonding with children is more hands-on. Children require more attention, while teens are more self-sufficient. This does not mean they do not need you.
Sometimes there is a misconception that teens are good. If parents can be more hands-off, the teen will succeed. And for the most part, fair-ish. What I mean is that, yes, your teens can do more, but they are not fully developed in other areas.
When parents raise young children, they need to help with physical tasks like getting dressed, feeding themselves, doing homework, and doing chores. As teens, they have already practiced that. They need to keep learning, but in different ways, such as navigating social norms, developing/strengthening morals, and learning to create and maintain healthy relationships.
That said, it is important to note that young children often have many teachable moments. Teens have teachable moments as well. However, it is extremely important that your teen hear praise. Many parents will tell me that their kid does not need or want praise for these simple tasks they are expected to do. Telling a teen, “Good job,” is not going to spoil them; it is going to reinforce healthy behavior. I mean, this will hopefully show the child that this behavior is appreciated, and the teen will typically exhibit it more often. And if your child is struggling to hear the positive reinforcement, they might feel, ‘why do the thing,’ hence creating a negative cycle.
Parent involvement is especially true with teenagers. They can go out into the world, making confident decisions when they know they have a secure bond to rely on. Teens who lack secure bonds with their family tend to seek connections with anyone who will give them attention. Typically, when a human comes from a place of desperation, the results are not well thought out. This can be seen when kids “get in with the wrong crowd.” Often, teens say they were looking for acceptance. Parents, create acceptance at home!
Some other activities to do with your teen to bond are:
- Talk
- Watch a movie/TV show
- Ask about their friends
- Ask about their interests
- Not a teachable moment
Healthy Bonding with Adults in Your Family
Bonding with adults in your family differs from bonding with kids and teens. In healthy parent-child relationships, there is a power dynamic: parents hold more power than children, so they can ground children or take away their phones.
Healthy families have fewer power dynamics. Each family’s culture shapes its structure. Reflect on how power dynamics affect your family.
In healthy family dynamics and culture, bonding with an adult means intentionally showing up in the relationship in many ways. Here are a few ways you can build healthy bonds with an adult in your family.
- Reminisce on old memories
- Compliment them
- Listen
- Actively participate in conversation
- Take an interest in people/things
- Do things for this person to support them
- Be vulnerable
- Be patient
- Actively practice empathy
Healthy Bonding with Adults Outside of Your Family
Bonding with an adult outside your family is very similar, just with some added boundaries. A boundary is a term for telling others where to stop. Meaning, we might not reminisce about childhood memories at the water tank at work or ask our child’s soccer coach for intimate details.
Since this is someone you are not close to, bonding will differ from the way you bond with family or close friends. Here are a few ways to actively connect with adults outside your usual circles.
- Actively listen in conversation
- Actively talk in conversation
- Ask clarifying questions, if needed
- Shared vulnerability to the appropriate level
Bonding with others can be difficult. We are wired to connect, and when it’s hard, life is harder. Call today to learn more or schedule a session about creating and maintaining healthy bonds.
Begin Counseling at Our Center in Katy, TX!
If you would like more help with bonding, one of the therapists at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch can help! To begin counseling in Katy Texas, follow these three steps:
- Contact our office to set up an appointment about creating and maintaining healthy bonds.
- Meet with one of our caring therapists
- Discover ways to bond with others today!
Other Therapy Services We Offer:
Here at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch, we offer counseling services for people of all ages in areas including counseling for kids, counseling for young adults, teen counseling, couples counseling, eating disorder treatment, men’s issues, women’s issues, anxiety treatment, depression therapy, trauma counseling, family therapy, and group counseling. We provide helpful information on a variety of mental health topics. Our therapists strive to post blogs regularly. To learn more about our therapists and counseling services, please reach out to the Counseling Center today!
