Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch
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By: Julie Sekachev, M.Ed, LPC Associate Supervised by Melissa Barton, MA, LPC-S Do you feel like you need to build trust with your partner? Do you feel disconnected from him or her? Does it feel like they are just not there for you when you need them the most? You may start to feel distant […]
Do you feel like you need to build trust with your partner? Do you feel disconnected from him or her? Does it feel like they are just not there for you when you need them the most? You may start to feel distant and unsure of what is happening or how to get the connection you once had back. Read on to find out about trust and how to rebuild it with your partner one interaction at a time.
Trust is transparency. It means that you will do what you say you will do. It answers the age-old question, “are you there for me when I need you the most?” Trust is also positive moral certainty about your partner. Trusting our partners means that we genuinely believe them to be ethical, honest, and good people who treat others with kindness, love, honesty, and goodwill.
Trust is built in everyday interactions, past fights, regrettable incidents, and conflict.
There are opportunities in everyday interactions for couples to build trust and connection. Each partner performs small “trust tests” where they directly or indirectly ask for something from one another. Psychologist John Gottman calls these moments “bids for connection.” In couples
counseling, we identify what these moments are for each partner and work on ways to turn towards or answer these bids.
If these requests for attention are met, trust is built over time, and partners begin to feel like they are there for each other. If, however, partners are not emotionally or physically available, trust can also start to erode over time.
The more your partner is confident that they can effectively get your attention and that you will respond positively, the more risk and vulnerability they will be able to take in the future for other bids.
The way couples respond to bids matters. A partner can choose to turn towards you by acknowledging your request, turn away by ignoring your request, or turn against by responding sarcastically or angrily. If you think of your relationship as an emotional bank account, turning towards makes deposits while turning away or against makes withdraws. Turning towards bids increases positive emotions and humor between couples. The more turning towards bids you have, the more positive effect there appears to be during the conflict.
In couples counseling, we learn how our partner tends to make requests and wants us to respond. An example of a bid maybe “I had the worst day ever at work. I lost an important account.” A turning towards response could be, “I hear you. That must have been so difficult for you. What can I do to meet your need?” A turning away bid could be ignoring your partner by walking away or playing on your phone. A turning against a bid may sound like, “ Why is it always about you?! I had a bad day too, but you never ask!”
Arguments are an inevitable part of all relationships. Attunement, according to John Gottman, Ph.D. is the number one way to regulate heightened emotions, or what he calls” flooding” during an argument. Negative events should be processed through the process of attunement. If they are not fully processed, they are rehearsed repeatedly in each person’s mind and brought up at other arguments. This erodes trust. The “Zeigarnik effect” states that we have better recall for not completely processed events.
When we process emotions with our partners, we build trust by showing them that we are there. Attuning is crucial because it helps us resolve a regrettable event and avoid the chance of festering in our minds.
Emotions do not vanish by being banished. When we dismiss our partner’s feelings, we are saying, “I don’t want to hear about it when you feel this way.” “Just replace your emotion with a positive one.” Emotional dismissing comes from the belief that a person can have any emotion they desire, which is a matter of will.
On the other hand, attunement means being aware of your partner’s emotions, turning towards those emotions, tolerance, understanding, nondefensively listening, and empathy. Shifting from being responsible for changing your partner’s feelings to understanding them. It would be best if you decided to attune. Practice the steps below to build trust:
Check-in with your partner by asking, “How are you doing?” This is an opportunity for intimacy and closeness. Do not be disapproving of negative emotions. Remember your partner’s vulnerabilities and sensitivities and soften how you discuss issues. Imagine your partner wearing a t-shirt with their vulnerabilities written on them.
Ask your partner for a positive need. Shift your perspective away from what you want your partner to stop doing, which will lead to defensiveness to more of what they can do to meet your needs. EX: “I need you to ask me about my day. “This is the responsibility of the speaker, not to begin with blame or criticism.
Tolerance means accepting both the positive and negative emotions your partner experiences. Tolerance does not mean agreement or that we must adapt our partner’s perspective. Accept that your partner’s reality is valid and have their point of view. All feelings are acceptable, but all behavior is not.
Understanding means that we postpone our plan and seek to understand where our partner is coming from. Ask your partner if you have fully understood them or anything more.
Listening without the need to defend yourself requires regulating feelings of defensiveness as you listen to your partner’s negative emotions and perceptions. This is the most challenging social skill in attunement. You can practice controlling your defensiveness by keeping quiet, pausing a beat before responding, and postponing your agenda. The key is to focus on your partner’s perceptions, not just the facts, and remember to breathe and self-soothe.
Listen with compassion and understanding by putting yourself in your partner’s shoes. Seek to see the world through your partner’s eyes. Communicate your empathy and understanding through validation.
To learn more about emotional attunement, see the book The Science of Trust by John Gottman here:
If you want help to deepen your understanding of yourself and your partner and learn skills to improve your relationship, one of the therapists at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch can help! We provide couple’s counseling, as well as other mental health services. To begin couples counseling in Katy, TX, follow these three steps:
Here at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch, we offer counseling services for people of all ages in areas including counseling for kids, counseling for young adults, teen counseling, couples counseling, eating disorder treatment, men’s issues, women’s issues, anxiety treatment, depression therapy, trauma counseling, family therapy, and group counseling. Our therapists strive to post blogs regularly. We provide helpful information on a variety of mental health topics. To learn more about our therapists and counseling services, please reach out to the Counseling Center today!
By: Quique Autrey, MS, LPC Associate Does your teenage son often seem overly emotional? Male teens have a difficult time managing their emotions. Parents often report their son’s react in an extreme manner when they fail an important quiz or are ghosted on social media. Like a snowball, these negative reactions to experiences at school, […]
Does your teenage son often seem overly emotional? Male teens have a difficult time managing their emotions. Parents often report their son’s react in an extreme manner when they fail an important quiz or are ghosted on social media. Like a snowball, these negative reactions to experiences at school, the sports field or relationships grow until there’s a real struggle with anxiety or depression. To understand why teens have these extreme emotions one has to understand the relationship between our emotions and our thoughts.
In a nutshell, the cognitive theory of emotions states that our emotional reactions are in large part influenced by the negative thoughts we entertain. Teenage boys need help identifying and reframing the negative thoughts that result in exaggerated emotional reactions. With the proper education and support, teenage boys become aware of the automatic negative thoughts that fill their mind and can utilize tools to help them manage their extreme emotions.
The ancient philosopher Epictetus once wrote, “it is not events that upset us, but our opinions about them.” Teen boys are not usually aware that their thoughts often get fused with their perception of external events. In others words, it is very common for teen boys to believe that their thoughts represent the world as it actually is.
When a teen gets a low score on an assignment or misses an important play, it is common that he’ll have a negative thought about his intelligence or ability. Maybe the teen will think something like, “I’m such an idiot”, or “I suck at sports!” If the teen conflates these thoughts with external reality, then it is likely he will start to feel terrible about himself. If he can recognize that his brain produces negative thoughts that do not reflect the way things really are, he can choose a healthier response to a negative experience. For example, instead of beating himself up for a low test score, he can remind himself that everyone makes mistakes and that he can do better next time.
Record negative thoughts It is easy for teen boys to get overwhelmed by their negative thoughts when these thoughts remain in their head. Writing down negative thoughts can be an effective strategy for two reasons.
First, writing down thoughts (or recording them on an iPhone) help teens identify patterns of negative thinking. After a few weeks of recording negative thoughts, a teen may realize that he keeps thinking that he’s unattractive, unintelligent or deficient in sports. Having a clear sense of the pattern of negative thoughts may help a teen understand why he’s been feeling so inferior to other guys around him. By correcting the negative thoughts, the teen has a greater chance of feeling better about himself.
Secondly, recording negative thoughts helps externalize the thoughts. Externalizing the thoughts gives the teen a better sense that while these thoughts are swirling around his mind, they are not necessarily true or reflective of reality.
Thoughts are like filters through which we view the world. Negative thoughts are like a cracked lens that distort how we view ourselves, other people and our environment. Teen boys need help recognizing that they are looking at the world through a distorted lens, not at the world as it really is. Therapists help teen boys create this distance from their thoughts by guiding them through various exercises. Here is a list of exercises that help teen boys create some distance from their thoughts:
Teens are prone to jump to the worst possible conclusion, usually with very little evidence to despair. In the world of therapy, this is known as catastrophizing. A relatively small mistake or social blunder gets blown out of proportion and interpreted as a catastrophe.
A teen likely imagines his girlfriend has moved on or found a better guy, if he sends a text and doesn’t receive a response. He goes down the rabbit hole and imagines that he’ll never date again. He then starts thinking that there is something fundamentally wrong with him!
One of the most effective ways to stop catastrophizing is to describe the situation in a calm, matter-of-fact way. Instead of interpreting the situation in a way that suggests personal offense (e.g., How could she not respond to me!”), try stating the facts in an impartial manner (e.g., She has not responded to this text in 30 minutes). Stating the facts in an objective manner helps the mind not jump to conclusions or rush to negative emotional associations.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help teenage boys manage their negative emotions. The main focus of using CBT is to help identify and address the distorted thoughts. These distorted thoughts often result in a negative self-image. Your therapist will help you set treatment goals. They will also teach you new ways to think about things that cause you to feel bad about yourself. Then they will teach you new behavioral skills to help you cope with these feelings in a more productive way. The therapists at the Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch are trained in working with teenage boys and the mental health issues that may arise for this population.
There is nothing wrong with your teenage son. He is not too emotional. He simply hasn’t learned how to identify and manage the negative thoughts that are contributing to his anxiety or depression. Many teen guys find relief and build coping skills that can last a lifetime when they seek out professional help. Please do not hesitate to reach out today and call for help!
Contact us today to help your teen get started. The therapists at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch can help! We provide therapy for teenagers as well as other services for people of all ages. To begin counseling in Katy, TX follow these three steps:
Here at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch we offer counseling services for people of all ages including: women’s issues, men’s issues, treatment for anxiety, trauma counseling, counseling for kids, counseling for young adults, teen counseling, eating disorder treatment, depression treatment, couples counseling, family therapy, and group counseling. Our therapists strive to regularly post blogs with helpful information on a variety of mental health topics. To learn more about our therapists and our counseling services, please reach out to the Counseling Center today!
By: Melissa Barton, MA, LPC-S Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, known as CBT, is becoming more widely used by counselors. Moreover, psychiatrists recommend it for a variety of mental health issues. These issues range from anxiety, depression, eating disorders, phobias, and substance use. CBT can also be helpful to people of most ages. Therapists can cater the treatment […]
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, known as CBT, is becoming more widely used by counselors. Moreover, psychiatrists recommend it for a variety of mental health issues. These issues range from anxiety, depression, eating disorders, phobias, and substance use. CBT can also be helpful to people of most ages. Therapists can cater the treatment to children, adults, and teens. So, if it can be used to assist with different issues and different populations, what exactly is CBT?
Helps identify negative thoughts and irrational ways of thinking. Our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are all connected. For example, a student may experience increased anxiety if they have the thought, “I am going to fail this test,” right before an exam. This can lead to trouble focusing or being overly distracted during the exam. This possibly may lead to poor performance. Negative thoughts can pop up at any time. We may be unaware of when it is happening until after the fact. However, we can learn to become aware of our thoughts.
In CBT, a trained counselor can assist individuals in becoming aware of negative thoughts. Next, the therapist can help the client challenge those thoughts and add in healthier ways of looking at certain situations. For example, “ I studied and prepared for this test, and am capable of doing well” is a new way of thinking about the exam from above.
Oftentimes, we rely on what we know or what we are used to cope. We may respond to our feelings and thoughts in ways that are not helpful. These unhealthy coping strategies may include:
In counseling, a therapist can help individuals recognize unhealthy behaviors. Unhealthy behaviors are ineffective and can possibly be harmful. CBT techniques can help people identify healthy coping skills. For example, individuals can learn and achieve healthy ways of dealing with feelings, negative thoughts, and stressful situations. Some healthy coping skills can include:
According to the American Psychiatric Association (APA), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy works as effectively, or more effectively, as other forms of therapy and psychiatric medications (https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/patients-and-families/cognitive-behavioral).
Furthermore, CBT can be used to treat many mental health issues. Many studies have shown the effectiveness of CBT for anxiety, depression, eating disorders, relationship issues, self-harm, and substance abuse.
For instance, an individual can learn to identify negative ways of thinking and behaving. Then, can replace those patterns with new, healthier, and more positive thoughts and actions. This can help boost mood and decrease stress. CBT can be structured and short term, and useful for teens, adults, and children.
If you or a loved one are struggling, there is hope. The counselors at the Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch are trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. We can help individuals and families dealing with stress and struggles. If you are ready to seek help, follow these steps:
Here at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch we offer counseling services for people of all ages including: depression treatment, women’s issues, couples and marriage counseling, eating disorder treatment, counseling for kids, counseling for young adults, teen counseling, men’s issues, trauma counseling, anxiety therapy, and group counseling. Our therapists strive to regularly post blogs with helpful information on a variety of mental health topics. To learn more about our therapists and our counseling services, please reach out to the Counseling Center today!