Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch
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By: Julie Sekachev, M. Ed., LPC Associate Do you ever find yourself feeling stuck in the way you relate to your partner? It seems to be good for a while. But, soon enough you find yourselves in a cycle of feeling attacked, shut out, unwanted, or not being heard. Do you find yourself at times […]
Do you ever find yourself feeling stuck in the way you relate to your partner? It seems to be good for a while. But, soon enough you find yourselves in a cycle of feeling attacked, shut out, unwanted, or not being heard. Do you find yourself at times alone? Craving a deeper level of closeness, validation or understanding? If so, read on how this empirically based therapy can help you establish emotional security, safety and accessibility to your partner.
Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) is a type of therapy that focuses on universal key emotions and attachment needs. Universal core emotions are fear, shame, anger, surprise, shame, hurt, sadness, and joy. Each of these emotions have cues. That is, how we evaluate these emotions (safe/unsafe/ positive/negative), the way our body reacts, and the way we respond.
According to EFT, adult love is a hardwired adaptive attachment response. What’s more, EFT uses the foundation of attachment theory. It states that emotional responsiveness and engagement are the main predictors of satisfaction in a marriage. Furthermore, couples feel safe when they can count on their spouses to be there for them when they need them.
Emotional engagement seems impossible when we employ negative cycles of anger, criticism, or complaints. Mix with anger, defensiveness and distance and couples can continue the disconnection loop. When couples experience disconnection, a process of separation anxiety happens. Partners begin to protest, which can look like anger. Not to mention, this is typically followed by seeking to reestablish a connection and cling to your partner. If partners do not respond to this protest, depression and isolation can set in.
How a more secure bond is created between couples in EFT sessionsFirstly, during couples therapy sessions you will learn how to voice your attachment needs. You will also express attachment-oriented emotions to your partner. These emotions can include desperation, longing, fear, or loneliness. EFT is about diving into the deeper emotions of destructive cycles. You will learn to identify your emotional responses and link these responses to interactional patterns.
Secondly, we work to identify and investigate vulnerable feelings, and the messages they are trying to send. For instance, uncovering and taking a risk to share these emotions with your partner is the key to a deep emotional bond. Vulnerability creates a space for compassion and a deeper sense of intimacy. Additionally, EFT can enhance your sense of safety and security with your partner. It can also strengthen your bond, which can make life stressors seem more manageable.
If you are ready to improve your relationship, one of the therapists at The Center at Cinco Ranch can help! We provide couple’s counseling, as well as, other mental health services. To begin couples counseling in Katy, TX follow these three steps:
Here at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch we offer counseling services for people of all ages in areas including: counseling for kids, counseling for young adults, teen counseling, couples counseling, eating disorder treatment, men’s issues, women’s issues, anxiety treatment, depression therapy, trauma counseling, family therapy, and group counseling. Our therapists strive to regularly post blogs. We provide helpful information on a variety of mental health topics. To learn more about our therapists and our counseling services, please reach out to the Counseling Center today!
By: Julie Sekachev, M.Ed, LPC Associate Do you find yourself arguing over money, communication, who will do the chores, jealousy, or how to spend each other’s free time? If so, you are not alone. All happy couples argue about something. However, the key is to develop skills needed to manage conflict effectively. How happy you […]
Do you find yourself arguing over money, communication, who will do the chores, jealousy, or how to spend each other’s free time? If so, you are not alone. All happy couples argue about something. However, the key is to develop skills needed to manage conflict effectively. How happy you are as a couple will depend on how you resolve things you disagree on and how well you understand your partner’s perspective.
Conflict occurs when two parties have a different understanding or position on an important issue. Conflict in marriage is inevitable, and completely normal.
Some common misconceptions about conflict are that it is irreparable, should be avoided, and that it signals that the relationship is doomed to fail. These thinking errors can lead to suppressing our wants and desires in order to avoid an argument, which can be unhealthy and lead to resentment. Conflict can help you understand your partner’s inner world and having the tools to resolve it can help your relationship thrive.
Some Skills In Couples Counseling To Help Resolve ConflictWhen conflict arises avoid using “you statements” which can lead to your partner becoming defensive, practice speaking from this formula instead “I feel…about what…I need.” Describe what is happening from your perspective. Listen with the intent to understand, use validating statements to express empathy such as “I get it, I can see why this upsets you” or “that makes sense that you would feel that way.”
Accepting your partner’s influence can help you build a positive perspective of one another. Practice accepting influence by recognizing that sometimes your partner has good ideas and trying some of them out can help build mutual respect. Take this quiz to see where you stand when it comes to accepting influence from one another:
Love Quiz: Do You and Your Partner Accept Each Other’s Influence?
De-escalate heightened emotions and reduce tension. Firstly, you can start by asking your partner questions like “I don’t feel like you understand me right now, let me try again” or “I’m sorry, I can see my part in this.” Remember to pause if things begin to feel overwhelming by asking to take a break and agreeing on a time to return to discussion after you both had a chance to calm down.
Conflict can help us understand our partner. Asking the right questions during an argument can lead to a deeper understanding of your partner’s inner world. Learning to recognize and explore your partner’s dreams can help you both move through conflict effectively. For instance, asking your partner questions may help you understand them and the situation better.
Some questions you can ask to gain understanding:
Make a list of your core needs and areas of flexibility, ask your partner to do the same. Help each other understand why your core needs are important to you. Work with your partner to find common ground and compromise on your areas of flexibility. Remember compromise will never feel perfect, the key is that you both feel understood and respected in the process.
Couples Counseling Can Help You Resolve ConflictEvery relationship can benefit from couples counseling. Couples counseling is not just for relationships at the brink of falling apart. Couples therapy can help any partnership that needs help navigating conflict. A skilled couples therapist can guide you in identifying the sources of conflict and help you develop the skills you need to improve your communication!
You can also work on specific goals that will help you and your partner establish patterns of emotional and sexual connection that can improve the overall quality of your relationship. If you are stuck in conflict with your partner and would like help getting unstuck, please give us a call at the Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch. We would love to help you cultivate a happy and meaningful relationship with your partner.
If you are ready to improve your relationship, one of the therapists at The Center at Cinco Ranch can help! We provide couple’s counseling as well as other services. To begin couples counseling in Katy, TX follow these three steps:
Here at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch we offer counseling services for people of all ages in areas including: counseling for kids, counseling for young adults, teen counseling, couples counseling, eating disorder treatment, men’s issues, women’s issues, anxiety treatment, depression therapy, trauma counseling, family therapy, and group counseling. Our therapists strive to regularly post blogs. We provide helpful information on a variety of mental health topics. To learn more about our therapists and our counseling services, please reach out to the Counseling Center today!
By: Carey Robey, MS, LPC While conflicts are a normal part of any relationship, they can often lead to arguments and fights that increase our stress and anxiety and can cause rifts in our relationships. Learning conflict resolution skills can assist you in maintaining healthy boundaries, increase healthy communication skills, and lead you to improved […]
While conflicts are a normal part of any relationship, they can often lead to arguments and fights that increase our stress and anxiety and can cause rifts in our relationships. Learning conflict resolution skills can assist you in maintaining healthy boundaries, increase healthy communication skills, and lead you to improved relationships. These are a few tips you can start utilizing today to resolve conflicts in a healthy way and keep relationships and mental health strong.
A Few Ways To Have Healthy Conflict ResolutionFirstly, remember that a conflict is a disagreement. Sometimes these disagreements may be big, but make the relationship the priority. Conflicts continue to fester when they are ignored. Be sure that you do not fear addressing the issue. Ignoring a problem, whether real or perceived, can lead to resentment. When addressing the problem, be sure you are in a calm and open state of mind.
If you need a few minutes to collect yourself, take the time to do so. This avoids things getting heated and the potential of someone losing control. Some conflicts may trigger strong emotions and it is important that we prepare for this- be mindful and recall your coping skills.
Secondly, it is essential that we understand and state our needs when trying to resolve conflicts and work towards being understanding and compassionate to the needs of others. Be aware of how and what you are communicating and avoid any disrespectful words or comments- also, facial expressions! If you notice the urge to engage in this, it’s time for a break.
Let whomever you are in conflict with know you need a few minutes, but will return to resolve the issue later. While you may be tempted to not return, it is important to do so to allow for resolution and avoid any chance of resentment or pent up negative feelings later. When communicating with the person you are in conflict with, be sure to focus on facts and express your feelings; try to avoid placing blame.
Remember it is okay to agree to disagree. There may be times when conflicts are not resolved in the way you’d prefer. Think of what your responsibility is in the situation and what you have control over. Is there anything you can do to improve your circumstance?
Resolving conflicts in a healthy way provides opportunity for self-growth and can lead to stronger and healthier relationships. If you notice conflict being frequent, try to notice causes. When we can recognize the cause of a conflict, we can work towards avoiding it. Remember to utilize coping skills if things get heated. Do not be afraid to take a time-out. Need more tips? Come in for therapy to work on how to better manage emotions, assert boundaries, and increase healthy communication.
If you are ready to find relief from conflict in your relationship, the therapists at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch can help! We provide therapy to people of all ages. To begin counseling in Katy, TX, follow these three steps:
Here at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch we offer treatment services for adults, teens, kids, couples and families. We offer counseling services in trauma counseling, counseling for kids, counseling for young adults, teen counseling, couples counseling, eating disorder treatment, depression treatment, men’s issues, women’s issues, family therapy, and group counseling. Our therapists strive to regularly post blogs with helpful information on a variety of mental health topics. To learn more about our therapists and our counseling services, please reach out to the Counseling Center today!
By: Cheri Locke, MA, LPC, CCTP Sex. We are officially in 2021 and sex can still be a taboo topic. So let’s take a minute and talk about sex baby, let’s talk about…(Salt-N-Pepa anyone?) For many couples sex can be a source of great pleasure or great dissatisfaction. There are many factors that can play […]
Sex. We are officially in 2021 and sex can still be a taboo topic. So let’s take a minute and talk about sex baby, let’s talk about…(Salt-N-Pepa anyone?) For many couples sex can be a source of great pleasure or great dissatisfaction. There are many factors that can play a role for couples that experience displeasure in the “bedroom”. Firstly, if there are issues in your sexual relationship, rule out any medical issues. This article is not intended to help with any medical issues. Seek help from your medical provider if you believe any medical issues are present. This blog is intended to help you find ways to understand yourself a little better and hopefully spark a little fun or pleasure back into your sex life! You’re welcome.
Okay so this does not mean that you need to have sex daily. What is does mean is that you need to have a healthy understanding of what you and your partner’s level of needs are when it comes to sex. Couples that experience a strong sexual connection over a long period of time are friends (more about that later) that are able to make sex a priority in their life.
I often hear from couples in my practice that they are busy with life. They forget to make time for one another, whether it is dating, spending quality time, or having sex. An easy exercise to try is to schedule time for sex. Scheduling time for sex allows partners to take a break from life and remember their relationship. Sound unspontaneous? There are ways to make it more spontaneous. For example, you and your partner can fill a jar with “sex” ideas. On the scheduled day pull from the jar and have some fun. There are also many sex coupon books or cards that you can purchase to add mix things up.
When couples first come to see me I ask two questions, “do you feel emotionally connected” and “do you spend intentional time together.” Some couples may answer they feel emotionally connected, but the majority of couples respond they do not spend intentional time together. So what is being intentional? At the most basic level, it is responding to your partner’s needs while being wholly present.
For instance, many couples spend time watching television together. Are you together? Check. But, are you being intentional? My guess is probably not. So while there is not a one answer fits all, I encourage you and your partner to find time in your day, even if it is for 20 minutes, to be present with one another. Talk, hold hands, laugh, create memories. This will not only help create a stronger emotional connection, it will strengthen the friendship bond. In turn, this helps to create a stronger context in your relationship that promotes a healthy sexual relationship.
Red Light, Green Light, Yes To SexMany women enter into therapy explaining they love and desire their partner’s; however, it all adds up to a big zero when it comes to sex. Does this mean they have changed over time into a nonsexual being? My guess is no. What it does mean is there can be a variety of reasons sex has changed over the years. Firstly, the context of how you feel about the relationship or sex may have changed. Figuring out your emotional state in a relationship is very important to figuring out your sexual relationship.
Secondly, people have red lights and green lights to sex. Red lights are what prohibit a person from fully engaging in a sexual experience which can be an internal or external factor. For example, some women have issues with their body image that may prohibit them from being free during sex. This is considered a red light. A red light for men may be performance anxiety. When we are thinking about our bodies or our performance rather than focused on the pleasure of sex, we miss out and lose that connection. At times, we are not even aware of our red lights. However, when we can be fully present during sex, arousal and desire changes.
Furthermore, green lights are the “go” signal for sex. Many people learn about sex through their culture, experiences, and environment. Sex is a learned behavior and some of our first experiences can shape our entire sex life. Some people may be turned on by their partners putting the children to bed, while others are turned on by gently kisses on their neck. Whatever your “go” button(s) are, you need to understand yourself and direct your partner.
The answer is yes, if both partners are willing to assess the issues and make changes to the context of their relationship that are causing sexual difficulties. Both partners need to understand that rarely is the issue just about sex. There are often other components, either in the relationship or with an individual that is prohibiting a strong sexual connection. And, more often than not, I find that people are just not that aware of their needs, which often leaves their partners clueless as well.
If you are ready to improve your relationship and sex life, the therapists at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch can help! We provide couples counseling as well as counseling services to all ages. To begin counseling in Katy, TX follow these three steps:
Here at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch we offer counseling services for people of all ages including: eating disorder treatment, depression treatment, women’s issues, treatment for anxiety, counseling for kids, counseling for young adults, teen counseling, family therapy, men’s issues, trauma counseling, and group counseling. Our therapists strive to regularly post blogs with helpful information on a variety of mental health topics. To learn more about our therapists and our counseling services, please reach out to the Counseling Center today!