Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch
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By: Cheri Locke, MA, LPC, CCTP Sex. We are officially in 2021 and sex can still be a taboo topic. So let’s take a minute and talk about sex baby, let’s talk about…(Salt-N-Pepa anyone?) For many couples sex can be a source of great pleasure or great dissatisfaction. There are many factors that can play […]
Sex. We are officially in 2021 and sex can still be a taboo topic. So let’s take a minute and talk about sex baby, let’s talk about…(Salt-N-Pepa anyone?) For many couples sex can be a source of great pleasure or great dissatisfaction. There are many factors that can play a role for couples that experience displeasure in the “bedroom”. Firstly, if there are issues in your sexual relationship, rule out any medical issues. This article is not intended to help with any medical issues. Seek help from your medical provider if you believe any medical issues are present. This blog is intended to help you find ways to understand yourself a little better and hopefully spark a little fun or pleasure back into your sex life! You’re welcome.
Okay so this does not mean that you need to have sex daily. What is does mean is that you need to have a healthy understanding of what you and your partner’s level of needs are when it comes to sex. Couples that experience a strong sexual connection over a long period of time are friends (more about that later) that are able to make sex a priority in their life.
I often hear from couples in my practice that they are busy with life. They forget to make time for one another, whether it is dating, spending quality time, or having sex. An easy exercise to try is to schedule time for sex. Scheduling time for sex allows partners to take a break from life and remember their relationship. Sound unspontaneous? There are ways to make it more spontaneous. For example, you and your partner can fill a jar with “sex” ideas. On the scheduled day pull from the jar and have some fun. There are also many sex coupon books or cards that you can purchase to add mix things up.
When couples first come to see me I ask two questions, “do you feel emotionally connected” and “do you spend intentional time together.” Some couples may answer they feel emotionally connected, but the majority of couples respond they do not spend intentional time together. So what is being intentional? At the most basic level, it is responding to your partner’s needs while being wholly present.
For instance, many couples spend time watching television together. Are you together? Check. But, are you being intentional? My guess is probably not. So while there is not a one answer fits all, I encourage you and your partner to find time in your day, even if it is for 20 minutes, to be present with one another. Talk, hold hands, laugh, create memories. This will not only help create a stronger emotional connection, it will strengthen the friendship bond. In turn, this helps to create a stronger context in your relationship that promotes a healthy sexual relationship.
Red Light, Green Light, Yes To SexMany women enter into therapy explaining they love and desire their partner’s; however, it all adds up to a big zero when it comes to sex. Does this mean they have changed over time into a nonsexual being? My guess is no. What it does mean is there can be a variety of reasons sex has changed over the years. Firstly, the context of how you feel about the relationship or sex may have changed. Figuring out your emotional state in a relationship is very important to figuring out your sexual relationship.
Secondly, people have red lights and green lights to sex. Red lights are what prohibit a person from fully engaging in a sexual experience which can be an internal or external factor. For example, some women have issues with their body image that may prohibit them from being free during sex. This is considered a red light. A red light for men may be performance anxiety. When we are thinking about our bodies or our performance rather than focused on the pleasure of sex, we miss out and lose that connection. At times, we are not even aware of our red lights. However, when we can be fully present during sex, arousal and desire changes.
Furthermore, green lights are the “go” signal for sex. Many people learn about sex through their culture, experiences, and environment. Sex is a learned behavior and some of our first experiences can shape our entire sex life. Some people may be turned on by their partners putting the children to bed, while others are turned on by gently kisses on their neck. Whatever your “go” button(s) are, you need to understand yourself and direct your partner.
The answer is yes, if both partners are willing to assess the issues and make changes to the context of their relationship that are causing sexual difficulties. Both partners need to understand that rarely is the issue just about sex. There are often other components, either in the relationship or with an individual that is prohibiting a strong sexual connection. And, more often than not, I find that people are just not that aware of their needs, which often leaves their partners clueless as well.
If you are ready to improve your relationship and sex life, the therapists at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch can help! We provide couples counseling as well as counseling services to all ages. To begin counseling in Katy, TX follow these three steps:
Here at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch we offer counseling services for people of all ages including: eating disorder treatment, depression treatment, women’s issues, treatment for anxiety, counseling for kids, counseling for young adults, teen counseling, family therapy, men’s issues, trauma counseling, and group counseling. Our therapists strive to regularly post blogs with helpful information on a variety of mental health topics. To learn more about our therapists and our counseling services, please reach out to the Counseling Center today!
By: Cheri Locke, MA, LPC At times parenting a child or teen with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, ADHD or ADD, can be overwhelming. As parents you may struggle to understand your child. As a couple, there may be consistent differences in how to handle situations with your child that may lead to conflict. The whole […]
At times parenting a child or teen with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, ADHD or ADD, can be overwhelming. As parents you may struggle to understand your child. As a couple, there may be consistent differences in how to handle situations with your child that may lead to conflict. The whole family can experience a disruption that leaves everyone feeling frazzled and emotionally drained. However, there are some things that you can do to provide stability and calmness in your home. These things will also help your relationship with your child and with your partner.
Children with ADHD often experience just as much frustration as their parents. They want to be able to “do” all of the things that are asked of them. Remember, children with ADHD typically have deficits in some executive functioning which include the ability to organize, complete tasks, think or plan ahead. Parents can learn to manage and guide their children in positive ways, assisting in areas where their child experiences the most difficulties.
It is really important you get to know your child’s routine and understand how long she/he needs for homework, to get ready, etc. Being rushed is sure to trigger a meltdown or a fight. You can constructively allow your child time to work at their pace. For example, asking my child to get ready in 20 minutes in the morning does not work and leads to everyone feeling flustered. I know that he needs time to ease into the morning so 45 minutes to an hour works better for him and sets the tone for a better day. You can also set them up for success. Use timers and clocks around the house to alert them when their time is over. For example, if you tell them they have 15 more minutes of “play” time, set a timer to signal the end of time for an easy transition.
Structure and routines are very helpful no matter the age. Find a routine that works well for your child and try to stick to it. When they know what to expect it helps them function better. Also, the older a child becomes, the more help they need staying organized and planning, especially for school. As parents, we tend to think that because they are maturing we can step back. However, parents and kids end up more frustrated because homework is not done and/or turned in. The entire school experience can become daunting. Ask your teen what they feel will help them best. You can add simple solutions to your daily routine such as a whiteboard, a planner, daily to-do lists, or daily check-in's. The teen years are not the time to let your kid figure it out on their own. With a little help in organization and planning, children can be successful.
Creating a space for your child can look different to every person that reads this blog. For some, it will mean creating a quiet space for your child to work. For others, it may mean carving out some positive time in your day to spend with your child. It may also mean allowing them to run at the soccer field to burn off some energy. Whatever this looks like for your family, take it. Who knows, it may even be a combination of the three!
I see many couples that often experience some issues with parenting. Recently, several couples have brought up issues related to parenting a child with ADHD. I believe it is important for couples to be united in helping their children. Here are just a few simple steps you can take today.
As parents of a child with ADHD it is important that you educate yourself. The needs of children with ADHD are different and cannot be “lumped” in or compared to those of other children. Read books or articles that are from reputable providers. Ask your child's doctor if they have any resources. If your child is old enough, ask she/he what they feel will work best. Sometimes, our kids can offer some of the best insight on what will help them personally.
One thing I often hear from couples in session is they fight over their children and are at opposite ends of how to handle the situation. You are not going to agree on every parenting aspect, especially when it comes to parenting a child with ADHD. However, you can talk about it and come up with a solution that best serves your child. The last thing we want is to make your child feel that they are the cause of their parents fighting. Remember, this is a diagnosis. Your child is not intentionally "not listening." Find a way to work with your partner, even if you need to compromise a bit!
If I haven’t said it yet, parenting a child with ADHD can be exhausting. If you are frustrated, the best thing you can do for yourself and your child is take a break. Let your partner take over. Repeat as often as needed. This helps keep things more calm and allows more positivity to emerge. When we are positive, children are more positive. It does not feel good to anyone involved to give or hear constant negativity or consequences. Allow yourself the space to see what your child did that day that you can give them praise.
As a parent, you can help your child overcome their daily challenges, help to increase calm and structure, and learn to respond in more positive ways. It is important to recognize what your child needs to be successful. For some, it is gentle reminders to raise their hands to speak, while for others, it may be reminding them to actually speak up for themselves rather than daydreaming. ADHD is not a one size fits all and it is not always the child that cannot sit quietly in his/her chair. Remember, at times we as parents do become mentally and physically drained from the daily demands of parenting a child with ADHD. If you feel that you are struggling, please reach out for help.
If you are ready to learn techniques to help your child and your relationship, the therapists at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch can help! We provide parenting related services as well as counseling services to all ages. To begin counseling in Katy, TX follow these three steps:
Contact our office to set up an appointment or to get more information about parenting therapy
Meet with one of our compassionate therapists
Find ways to help your child with ADHD through counseling!
Here at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch we offer counseling services for people of all ages including: eating disorder treatment, depression treatment, women’s issues, treatment for anxiety, couples and marriage counseling, counseling for kids, counseling for young adults, teen counseling, family therapy, men’s issues, trauma counseling, and group counseling. Our therapists strive to regularly post blogs with helpful information on a variety of mental health topics. To learn more about our therapists and our counseling services, please reach out to the Counseling Center today!
By: Quique Autrey, MS, LPC Intern Need some ideas to improve your relationship? Has it been difficult to stay connected to your partner during the pandemic? Couples are experiencing higher levels of stress and conflict than usual. Most agree that it’s been a challenge to adjust to the new “normal.” We have all responded to […]
Need some ideas to improve your relationship? Has it been difficult to stay connected to your partner during the pandemic? Couples are experiencing higher levels of stress and conflict than usual. Most agree that it’s been a challenge to adjust to the new “normal.”
We have all responded to the uncertainty in different ways. For some, this means struggling with sleep. For others, it means engaging in avoidance behaviors or falling into depression. More time at home with the kids and a change in relationship roles has also contributed to the heightened anxiety. With all the changes, we are connecting less with our loved ones. In order to cope with all this stress, couples need to be intentional about finding creative ways to connect with each other.
Go for a 30-minute walk around the neighborhood. Moderate exercise can help reduce anxiety and improve your mood. A nice walk around a lake can provide a beautiful setting that helps you feel more calm and relaxed. Walking also activates parts of the brain that result in insight and clarity. If you want to work out an issue with your partner, going for a walk may be the perfect time to do so. Remember to hold hands while you walk. Holding hands can help reignite a feeling of emotional closeness.
Cooking a meal together can help you improve your communication with your partner. You’ll have to follow different steps and you’ll need to coordinate who does what in the meal prep. Cook a meal that’s a little outside your comfort zone.
Not sure how to get started? Hello Fresh will mail you a box with everything you need to feel like an accomplished chef (https://www.hellofresh.com). Open a bottle of your favorite wine and listen to some music while you cook your delicious meal together.
My partner and I started online dancing classes during the pandemic (https://showheroff.com). I was hesitant at first because I’ve never had much rhythm. After getting over the initial fear of embarrassment, I had a blast learning the foundational skills of dancing. Dancing is great indoor exercise and it also encourages you to work on communicating with your partner and trusting their lead. Dancing can introduce a level of fun and physical intimacy your relationship is missing in the pandemic!
2-Minute Appreciation The Gottman Institute has found that two minutes of undistracted time with your partner can be more significant for the relationship than an entire week spent together where there’s constant distraction (https://www.gottman.com/blog/3-daily-rituals-that-stop-spouses-from-taking-each-other-for-granted/).
One practice that has been meaningful for me and my partner is taking a few minutes to express what we appreciate about the other person. You can highlight what you appreciate about their appearance, their personality or something they’ve done that day. This appreciation exercise encourages you to slow down and communicate with your partner what you admire about them. This can help cultivate feelings of gratitude for the other person.
Taking a bath together has been our favorite way to stay connected over the pandemic. There are many benefits to taking a warm bath in the evening. A bath can help relieve stress and calm the nerves. Baths can help sooth a throbbing headache. Sharing a bath is very sensual and encourages you to be vulnerable and intimate with your partner. A nice bath can also be a great way to foreplay before making love.
Every relationship can benefit from couple’s counseling. Couple’s counseling is not just for relationships at the brink of falling apart. Couple’s counseling can help any partnership that needs help navigating conflict. A skilled couple’s therapist can guide you in identifying the sources of conflict and help you develop the skills you need to improve your communication! You can also work on specific goals that will help you and your partner establish patterns of emotional and sexual connection that can improve the overall quality of your relationship. If you are stuck in conflict with your partner and would like help getting unstuck, please give us a call at the Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch. We would love to help you cultivate a happy and meaningful relationship with your partner.
If you are ready to improve your relationship one of the therapists at The Center at Cinco Ranch can help! We provide couple’s counseling as well as other services. To begin couples counseling in Katy, TX follow these three steps:
Here at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch we offer counseling services for people of all ages including: women’s issues, treatment for anxiety, trauma counseling, counseling for kids, counseling for young adults, teen counseling, eating disorder treatment, depression treatment, family therapy, and group counseling.