Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch
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By: Cheri Locke, MA, LPC, CCTP Sex. We are officially in 2021 and sex can still be a taboo topic. So let’s take a minute and talk about sex baby, let’s talk about…(Salt-N-Pepa anyone?) For many couples sex can be a source of great pleasure or great dissatisfaction. There are many factors that can play […]
Sex. We are officially in 2021 and sex can still be a taboo topic. So let’s take a minute and talk about sex baby, let’s talk about…(Salt-N-Pepa anyone?) For many couples sex can be a source of great pleasure or great dissatisfaction. There are many factors that can play a role for couples that experience displeasure in the “bedroom”. Firstly, if there are issues in your sexual relationship, rule out any medical issues. This article is not intended to help with any medical issues. Seek help from your medical provider if you believe any medical issues are present. This blog is intended to help you find ways to understand yourself a little better and hopefully spark a little fun or pleasure back into your sex life! You’re welcome.
Okay so this does not mean that you need to have sex daily. What is does mean is that you need to have a healthy understanding of what you and your partner’s level of needs are when it comes to sex. Couples that experience a strong sexual connection over a long period of time are friends (more about that later) that are able to make sex a priority in their life.
I often hear from couples in my practice that they are busy with life. They forget to make time for one another, whether it is dating, spending quality time, or having sex. An easy exercise to try is to schedule time for sex. Scheduling time for sex allows partners to take a break from life and remember their relationship. Sound unspontaneous? There are ways to make it more spontaneous. For example, you and your partner can fill a jar with “sex” ideas. On the scheduled day pull from the jar and have some fun. There are also many sex coupon books or cards that you can purchase to add mix things up.
When couples first come to see me I ask two questions, “do you feel emotionally connected” and “do you spend intentional time together.” Some couples may answer they feel emotionally connected, but the majority of couples respond they do not spend intentional time together. So what is being intentional? At the most basic level, it is responding to your partner’s needs while being wholly present.
For instance, many couples spend time watching television together. Are you together? Check. But, are you being intentional? My guess is probably not. So while there is not a one answer fits all, I encourage you and your partner to find time in your day, even if it is for 20 minutes, to be present with one another. Talk, hold hands, laugh, create memories. This will not only help create a stronger emotional connection, it will strengthen the friendship bond. In turn, this helps to create a stronger context in your relationship that promotes a healthy sexual relationship.
Red Light, Green Light, Yes To SexMany women enter into therapy explaining they love and desire their partner’s; however, it all adds up to a big zero when it comes to sex. Does this mean they have changed over time into a nonsexual being? My guess is no. What it does mean is there can be a variety of reasons sex has changed over the years. Firstly, the context of how you feel about the relationship or sex may have changed. Figuring out your emotional state in a relationship is very important to figuring out your sexual relationship.
Secondly, people have red lights and green lights to sex. Red lights are what prohibit a person from fully engaging in a sexual experience which can be an internal or external factor. For example, some women have issues with their body image that may prohibit them from being free during sex. This is considered a red light. A red light for men may be performance anxiety. When we are thinking about our bodies or our performance rather than focused on the pleasure of sex, we miss out and lose that connection. At times, we are not even aware of our red lights. However, when we can be fully present during sex, arousal and desire changes.
Furthermore, green lights are the “go” signal for sex. Many people learn about sex through their culture, experiences, and environment. Sex is a learned behavior and some of our first experiences can shape our entire sex life. Some people may be turned on by their partners putting the children to bed, while others are turned on by gently kisses on their neck. Whatever your “go” button(s) are, you need to understand yourself and direct your partner.
The answer is yes, if both partners are willing to assess the issues and make changes to the context of their relationship that are causing sexual difficulties. Both partners need to understand that rarely is the issue just about sex. There are often other components, either in the relationship or with an individual that is prohibiting a strong sexual connection. And, more often than not, I find that people are just not that aware of their needs, which often leaves their partners clueless as well.
If you are ready to improve your relationship and sex life, the therapists at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch can help! We provide couples counseling as well as counseling services to all ages. To begin counseling in Katy, TX follow these three steps:
Here at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch we offer counseling services for people of all ages including: eating disorder treatment, depression treatment, women’s issues, treatment for anxiety, counseling for kids, counseling for young adults, teen counseling, family therapy, men’s issues, trauma counseling, and group counseling. Our therapists strive to regularly post blogs with helpful information on a variety of mental health topics. To learn more about our therapists and our counseling services, please reach out to the Counseling Center today!
By: Quique Autrey, MS, LPC Intern Need some ideas to improve your relationship? Has it been difficult to stay connected to your partner during the pandemic? Couples are experiencing higher levels of stress and conflict than usual. Most agree that it’s been a challenge to adjust to the new “normal.” We have all responded to […]
Need some ideas to improve your relationship? Has it been difficult to stay connected to your partner during the pandemic? Couples are experiencing higher levels of stress and conflict than usual. Most agree that it’s been a challenge to adjust to the new “normal.”
We have all responded to the uncertainty in different ways. For some, this means struggling with sleep. For others, it means engaging in avoidance behaviors or falling into depression. More time at home with the kids and a change in relationship roles has also contributed to the heightened anxiety. With all the changes, we are connecting less with our loved ones. In order to cope with all this stress, couples need to be intentional about finding creative ways to connect with each other.
Go for a 30-minute walk around the neighborhood. Moderate exercise can help reduce anxiety and improve your mood. A nice walk around a lake can provide a beautiful setting that helps you feel more calm and relaxed. Walking also activates parts of the brain that result in insight and clarity. If you want to work out an issue with your partner, going for a walk may be the perfect time to do so. Remember to hold hands while you walk. Holding hands can help reignite a feeling of emotional closeness.
Cooking a meal together can help you improve your communication with your partner. You’ll have to follow different steps and you’ll need to coordinate who does what in the meal prep. Cook a meal that’s a little outside your comfort zone.
Not sure how to get started? Hello Fresh will mail you a box with everything you need to feel like an accomplished chef (https://www.hellofresh.com). Open a bottle of your favorite wine and listen to some music while you cook your delicious meal together.
My partner and I started online dancing classes during the pandemic (https://showheroff.com). I was hesitant at first because I’ve never had much rhythm. After getting over the initial fear of embarrassment, I had a blast learning the foundational skills of dancing. Dancing is great indoor exercise and it also encourages you to work on communicating with your partner and trusting their lead. Dancing can introduce a level of fun and physical intimacy your relationship is missing in the pandemic!
2-Minute Appreciation The Gottman Institute has found that two minutes of undistracted time with your partner can be more significant for the relationship than an entire week spent together where there’s constant distraction (https://www.gottman.com/blog/3-daily-rituals-that-stop-spouses-from-taking-each-other-for-granted/).
One practice that has been meaningful for me and my partner is taking a few minutes to express what we appreciate about the other person. You can highlight what you appreciate about their appearance, their personality or something they’ve done that day. This appreciation exercise encourages you to slow down and communicate with your partner what you admire about them. This can help cultivate feelings of gratitude for the other person.
Taking a bath together has been our favorite way to stay connected over the pandemic. There are many benefits to taking a warm bath in the evening. A bath can help relieve stress and calm the nerves. Baths can help sooth a throbbing headache. Sharing a bath is very sensual and encourages you to be vulnerable and intimate with your partner. A nice bath can also be a great way to foreplay before making love.
Every relationship can benefit from couple’s counseling. Couple’s counseling is not just for relationships at the brink of falling apart. Couple’s counseling can help any partnership that needs help navigating conflict. A skilled couple’s therapist can guide you in identifying the sources of conflict and help you develop the skills you need to improve your communication! You can also work on specific goals that will help you and your partner establish patterns of emotional and sexual connection that can improve the overall quality of your relationship. If you are stuck in conflict with your partner and would like help getting unstuck, please give us a call at the Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch. We would love to help you cultivate a happy and meaningful relationship with your partner.
If you are ready to improve your relationship one of the therapists at The Center at Cinco Ranch can help! We provide couple’s counseling as well as other services. To begin couples counseling in Katy, TX follow these three steps:
Here at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch we offer counseling services for people of all ages including: women’s issues, treatment for anxiety, trauma counseling, counseling for kids, counseling for young adults, teen counseling, eating disorder treatment, depression treatment, family therapy, and group counseling.
Marriage is a beautiful thing and there is nothing more amazing than the love and bond you share with your partner. What happens though when life happens and you start to feel less connected with your spouse? Connection in Marriage Should Be Natural…Right? Let’s face it…we have all said it. I’m tired or I’m busy. […]
Marriage is a beautiful thing and there is nothing more amazing than the love and bond you share with your partner. What happens though when life happens and you start to feel less connected with your spouse?
Connection in Marriage Should Be Natural…Right?Let’s face it…we have all said it. I’m tired or I’m busy. The kids have this thing or that thing and then before we know it the day is over. We go to sleep, wake up and repeat. I see many couples that say “I feel like we are on autopilot.” So how do you go to work, take care of the home and kids, take care of yourself, oh and keep a strong connection in your relationship?
“A strong relationship requires choosing to be intentional in showing your partner that you love them everyday.”
This is one of the most important things that I have couples incorporate during their time in therapy. And, hopefully they continue! Spending even just 20 minutes a day focused on each other can help you feel more connected. Many people think that if you are together while accomplishing “tasks” then you are at least together. The reality is that while that is okay- it does not equate into keeping a strong bond. Keep it simple, but schedule the time so that it becomes a part of your life rather than a moment forgotten.
Couples that are connected and feel that they have a strong bond feel more satisfied and happy. So how do you accomplish that when busy lives prevail? Go on a date. Many couples quit dating after marriage and after time begin to feel like their marriage is put on the back burner compared to other things in their life. The reality is couples should continue to date throughout their lifetime. Yes, how often and where you go will change, but only dating for special occasions will not keep the bond strong. Try to schedule a date once a week (with intention) and if that is difficult due to work or kids, then at least try for every other week.
Do you enjoy saying I love you to your partner? Well, I hope the answer is yes, but I often hear from couples that sometimes it just feels “routine” or “monotonous.” Change it up a bit! You can easily send a love text, leave a little note on a coffee mug or mirror to say I love you. The little extra always feels special. As part of therapy, I have couples write “I love you because…” notes to remind them why they chose their partner and to inject positivity. A little love note is always a nice reminder to your partner that you care and they matter to you.
Have FunIn a world where people lead extremely busy lives, let loose and have some fun with your partner. Many couples get caught up in the “business” of taking care of the home, the kids, the bills, the…where does the list end. While all of those things need to be attended to, it does not mean that is all there is to life. So what is fun to you? Start inviting your partner to share in the fun- it helps create more connected moments between the two of you. Plus laughter is good for the soul!
If you are ready to strengthen the bond with your partner, the therapists at The Center at Cinco Ranch can help! We provide couples counseling services as well as cater to specific needs for men and women in relationships. To begin counseling in Katy, TX follow these three steps:
Here at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch we offer counseling services for people of all ages including: women’s issues, treatment for anxiety, trauma counseling, counseling for kids, counseling for young adults, teen counseling, eating disorder treatment, depression treatment, family therapy, men’s issues, and group counseling. Our therapists strive to regularly post blogs with helpful information on a variety of mental health topics. To learn more about our therapists and our counseling services, please reach out to the Counseling Center today!