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    Couple sharing a trusting moment at night, Couple leaning in close, intimacy, trust, how to build trust with your partner blog, relationship, begin counseling in Katy Texas, Fulshear Texas, Richmond Texas

    How to Build Trust with Your Partner

    January 24, 2022

    By: Julie Sekachev, M.Ed, LPC Associate Supervised by Melissa Barton, MA, LPC-S Do you feel like you need to build trust with your partner? Do you feel disconnected from him or her? Does it feel like they are just not there for you when you need them the most? You may start to feel distant […]

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    How to Build Trust with Your Partner

    January 24, 2022
    By: Julie Sekachev, M.Ed, LPC Associate
    Supervised by Melissa Barton, MA, LPC-S

    Do you feel like you need to build trust with your partner? Do you feel disconnected from him or her? Does it feel like they are just not there for you when you need them the most? You may start to feel distant and unsure of what is happening or how to get the connection you once had back. Read on to find out about trust and how to rebuild it with your partner one interaction at a time.

    What is Trust, and How Do You Build It?

    Trust is transparency. It means that you will do what you say you will do. It answers the age-old question, “are you there for me when I need you the most?” Trust is also positive moral certainty about your partner. Trusting our partners means that we genuinely believe them to be ethical, honest, and good people who treat others with kindness, love, honesty, and goodwill.

    Trust is built in everyday interactions, past fights, regrettable incidents, and conflict.

    Building Trust in Everyday Interactions:

    There are opportunities in everyday interactions for couples to build trust and connection. Each partner performs small “trust tests” where they directly or indirectly ask for something from one another. Psychologist John Gottman calls these moments “bids for connection.” In couples

    Couple leaning in close, intimacy, trust, how to build trust with your partner blog, relationship, begin counseling in Katy Texas, Fulshear Texas, Richmond Texas

    counseling, we identify what these moments are for each partner and work on ways to turn towards or answer these bids.

    If these requests for attention are met, trust is built over time, and partners begin to feel like they are there for each other. If, however, partners are not emotionally or physically available, trust can also start to erode over time.

    Examples of bids are:

    • Requests for attention.
    • Asking for help with a project.
    • An offer to start a conversation or a bid for affection or sexual intimacy.

    The more your partner is confident that they can effectively get your attention and that you will respond positively, the more risk and vulnerability they will be able to take in the future for other bids.

    The way couples respond to bids matters. A partner can choose to turn towards you by acknowledging your request, turn away by ignoring your request, or turn against by responding sarcastically or angrily. If you think of your relationship as an emotional bank account, turning towards makes deposits while turning away or against makes withdraws. Turning towards bids increases positive emotions and humor between couples. The more turning towards bids you have, the more positive effect there appears to be during the conflict.

    In couples counseling, we learn how our partner tends to make requests and wants us to respond. An example of a bid maybe “I had the worst day ever at work. I lost an important account.” A turning towards response could be, “I hear you. That must have been so difficult for you. What can I do to meet your need?” A turning away bid could be ignoring your partner by walking away or playing on your phone. A turning against a bid may sound like, “ Why is it always about you?! I had a bad day too, but you never ask!”

    Building Trust During Arguments or Past Conflicts:

    Arguments are an inevitable part of all relationships. Attunement, according to John Gottman, Ph.D. is the number one way to regulate heightened emotions, or what he calls” flooding” during an argument. Negative events should be processed through the process of attunement. If they are not fully processed, they are rehearsed repeatedly in each person’s mind and brought up at other arguments. This erodes trust. The “Zeigarnik effect” states that we have better recall for not completely processed events.

    When we process emotions with our partners, we build trust by showing them that we are there. Attuning is crucial because it helps us resolve a regrettable event and avoid the chance of festering in our minds.

    How to attune to your partner:

    Emotions do not vanish by being banished. When we dismiss our partner’s feelings, we are saying, “I don’t want to hear about it when you feel this way.” “Just replace your emotion with a positive one.” Emotional dismissing comes from the belief that a person can have any emotion they desire, which is a matter of will.

    On the other hand, attunement means being aware of your partner’s emotions, turning towards those emotions, tolerance, understanding, nondefensively listening, and empathy. Shifting from being responsible for changing your partner’s feelings to understanding them. It would be best if you decided to attune. Practice the steps below to build trust:

    Check your partner’s emotional temperature:Couple sharing a trusting moment at night, Couple leaning in close, intimacy, trust, how to build trust with your partner blog, relationship, begin counseling in Katy Texas, Fulshear Texas, Richmond Texas

    Check-in with your partner by asking, “How are you doing?” This is an opportunity for intimacy and closeness. Do not be disapproving of negative emotions. Remember your partner’s vulnerabilities and sensitivities and soften how you discuss issues. Imagine your partner wearing a t-shirt with their vulnerabilities written on them.

    Turn towards your partner:

    Ask your partner for a positive need. Shift your perspective away from what you want your partner to stop doing, which will lead to defensiveness to more of what they can do to meet your needs. EX: “I need you to ask me about my day. “This is the responsibility of the speaker, not to begin with blame or criticism.

    Act with tolerance:

    Tolerance means accepting both the positive and negative emotions your partner experiences. Tolerance does not mean agreement or that we must adapt our partner’s perspective. Accept that your partner’s reality is valid and have their point of view. All feelings are acceptable, but all behavior is not.

    Try to understand your partner:

    Understanding means that we postpone our plan and seek to understand where our partner is coming from. Ask your partner if you have fully understood them or anything more.

    Nondefense listening:

    Listening without the need to defend yourself requires regulating feelings of defensiveness as you listen to your partner’s negative emotions and perceptions. This is the most challenging social skill in attunement. You can practice controlling your defensiveness by keeping quiet, pausing a beat before responding, and postponing your agenda. The key is to focus on your partner’s perceptions, not just the facts, and remember to breathe and self-soothe.Couple sharing a kiss, Couple sharing a trusting moment at night, Couple leaning in close, intimacy, trust, how to build trust with your partner blog, relationship, begin counseling in Katy Texas, Fulshear Texas, Richmond Texas

    Respond with empathy:

    Listen with compassion and understanding by putting yourself in your partner’s shoes. Seek to see the world through your partner’s eyes. Communicate your empathy and understanding through validation.

    To learn more about emotional attunement, see the book The Science of Trust by John Gottman here:

    https://smile.amazon.com/Science-Trust-Emotional-Attunement-Couples/dp/0393705951/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1641588776&sr=8-1

    Build trust with your partner with help from the Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch in Katy, TX.

    If you want help to deepen your understanding of yourself and your partner and learn skills to improve your relationship, one of the therapists at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch can help! We provide couple’s counseling, as well as other mental health services. To begin couples counseling in Katy, TX, follow these three steps:

    • Contact our office to set up an appointment or to learn more about emotionally focused therapy
    • Meet with one of our knowledgeable therapists
    • Find ways to thrive in your relationship!

    Other Therapy Services We Offer:

    Here at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch, we offer counseling services for people of all ages in areas including counseling for kids, counseling for young adults, teen counseling, couples counseling, eating disorder treatment, men’s issues, women’s issues, anxiety treatment, depression therapy, trauma counseling, family therapy, and group counseling. Our therapists strive to post blogs regularly. We provide helpful information on a variety of mental health topics. To learn more about our therapists and counseling services, please reach out to the Counseling Center today!

     

     

    Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Arguments, Attention, build trust, building trust in relationship, CBT, communication, conflict, Conversation, couples counseling, couples therapy, developing trust, earning trust, establish trust, How to build trust, katy, marriage counseling, new beginning, therapy, trust, tx, ways to build trust

    A couple watching the sun set. Represents the need for the Gottman Method in couples counseling in Katy, TX 77494

    Gottman Method: Predictors (and Antidotes) of Divorce

    January 7, 2022

    By: Julie Sekachev, M. Ed., LPC Associate Supervised by Melissa Barton, MA, LPC-S Have you ever heard of the Gottman Method? What if I told you that there is a way to tell if your marriage will last or not after observing you and your partner having a 15-minute conversation. Sounds unbelievable? Well, consider that […]

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    Gottman Method: Predictors (and Antidotes) of Divorce

    January 7, 2022
    By: Julie Sekachev, M. Ed., LPC Associate
    Supervised by Melissa Barton, MA, LPC-S

    Have you ever heard of the Gottman Method? What if I told you that there is a way to tell if your marriage will last or not after observing you and your partner having a 15-minute conversation. Sounds unbelievable? Well, consider that there is research that has been conducted to test just that! John Gottman along with Robert Levenson identified four behaviors and observed how often couples showed these to one another in a 15-minute conversation. They predicted which marriages would end 93% of the time. You can read more about the study here: 

    https://ift-malta.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/gottman-predictor-of-divorce.pdf

    So what are these behaviors? John Gottman calls these behaviors the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” and they are criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness. The Gottman institute also talks about positive behaviors to counteract these negative behaviors called “antidotes” they are also listed below. For more information about the Gottman Therapy visit:

    https://www.gottman.com/couples/

    How The Gottman Method Can Help You

    Read on and see if there is any relation to the way you and your partner communicate and try some alternative “antidotes” to help!

    A couple holding hands across the table. Represents the need for couples therapy in Katy, TX using the Gottman Method

    1. Criticism:

    Criticism is when we state our partner’s complaints but in such a way that it shows them that they are defective or have an irreversible flaw that is somehow tied to their personality. You may criticize your partner if you find yourself saying things like, “you never…or you are the type of person… or name-calling.” If you find yourself tying their behavior to a statement about their character, you may be criticizing. An example of criticism can sound like, “You always talk about yourself. Why are you so selfish!” Criticism can make your partner feel like something is inherently wrong with them, leading to them feeling resentful towards you or starting to defend themselves. Either way, they do not hear you, and neither of your needs is being met.

    Antidote:

    Instead, something that you can try is what is called a “gentle start-up.” This is when you talk about your feelings about a situation that upset you and ask your partner for a positive need. An example would be: “I felt left out when we had our conversation tonight. Could you please ask me about my day?”

    2. Defensiveness:

    We can act defensive when we perceive that we are under attack. When we feel under attack, it can make you think and act like a victim or counterattack your partner, and both are destructive. Defensiveness is when you find yourself making excuses, blaming your partner, or other circumstances. An example of defensiveness is, “It is not my fault we are late; it is your fault!”

    Antidote:

    A way to break out of this cycle is to accept even a tiny part of the responsibility for the situation. For example, you can say something like, “well, part of it is my fault. I lost track of time and took too long to get ready. I will plan better next time.” Accepting responsibility allows you to look at the situation from a different perspective. You are acknowledging that no one is perfect. You have flaws just like your partner. Simple acknowledgment can diffuse arguments by reducing continuous nagging or complaining because a partner feels not being heard.

    3. Stonewalling:

    Stonewalling is emotional withdrawal from interaction. Partners can do this when they disengage from the conversation. Typically, they do not give common nonverbals such as eye contact or nodding when listening to the discussion. Other examples of stonewalling can be using “the silent treatment,” suddenly walking away from a conversation without explanation, or yelling to stop the conversation. Stonewalling can be an attempt to end an escalating discussion or a response to feeling overpowered. A partner could also stonewall because they are uncomfortable with vulnerability but do not have another way to express this to their partner.

    Stonewalling causes an increase in your partner’s heart rate leaves problems unresolved, creates emotional disconnection, and may even trigger hopelessness.

    Antidote:

    Try to notice when you are starting to feel “flooded” or overwhelmed in discussion with your partner. If you have a smartwatch, you can tell when your heart rate is over 80 bpm for women and 90BPM for men. During this time, it is essential to tell your partner that you are feeling flooded and ask to take at least a 20-minute break in separate rooms. During this time, practice self-soothing. This can be deep breathing, reading, or taking a walk. Remember to schedule a time to come back to the discussion when you are both calm. Make a “repair attempt” with your partner, see the situation from their perspective, show them that you listen, validate their feelings, and ask for what you need.

    You can find out more on how to make repairs and examples here:
    https://www.gottman.com/blog/r-is-for-repair/

    4. Contempt:

    Condescension and disrespect are forms of contempt. That can look like statements that come from a position of superiority (disrespect, mockery, name-calling, aggressive/hostile humor, sarcasm, eye-rolling, sneering). Such behavior leads to contempt which is anger fused with distrust. It shows the other person their worthlessness and your disapproval of them. Contempt arises from unsettled anger towards your partner and a chronic negative view of them. You show contempt when you believe your partner to be stupid, morally bankrupt, emotionally aloof, or any other irreversible flaw. According to John Gottman, this is the most significant predictor of divorce and must be eliminated. Even if you think contempt, it may come out through body language, so understanding is crucial.

    An example of contempt is “Only thoughtless people are late! Not that you are ever going to change…” or “Really? You ‘forgot’ to let me know you had a conflict with our parenting class? I would never do this to you….”

    Antidote:

    Try to describe your feelings and needs instead of your partners. There are many tools to help to expand our emotional vocabulary. You can use one here:

    https://cdn.gottman.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/12/The-Gottman-Institute_The-Feeling-Wheel_v2.pdf

    Express your longings and needs to your partner without making them feel like the enemy. An example of something you can say instead is “Lateness irritates me, I tie being on time to showing respect, this is why I think it upset me, it makes me feel disrespected, could you please let me know in advance if you are running behind?” 

    Building a culture of appreciation and respect towards each other will reduce contempt. Ask yourself if you genuinely respect your partner, why or why not? You can process these feelings between one another or with the help of a couple’s therapist. Remember, the most important thing is to avoid criticizing or blaming, speak from your perspective, use “I statements,” and ask for an action step your partner can take to help meet your needs.

    Need help figuring out the next steps in your relationship? Don’t know where to start?

    Get Started With The Gottman Method in Couples Therapy in Katy, TX

    If you are ready to learn more about the Gottman Method and improve your relationship, one of the therapists at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch can help! We provide couple’s counseling, as well as, other mental health services. To begin couples counseling in Katy, TX follow these three steps:

    • Contact our office to set up an appointment or to learn more about emotionally focused therapy
    • Meet with one of our knowledgeable therapists
    • Find ways to thrive in your relationship!

    Other Therapy Services We Offer

    Here at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch, we offer counseling services for people of all ages in areas including counseling for kids, counseling for young adults, teen counseling, couples counseling, eating disorder treatment, men’s issues, women’s issues, anxiety treatment, depression therapy, trauma counseling, family therapy, and group counseling. Our therapists strive to post blogs regularly. We provide helpful information on a variety of mental health topics. To learn more about our therapists and counseling services, please reach out to the Counseling Center today!

     

    Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: couples counseling, Criticism, Defensiveness, Gottman Method, marriage counseling, Predictors of Divorce, Stonewalling

    Partners laying bed becoming emotionally connected to create a stronger sexual bond after sex therapy in Katy, TX 77494

    Let’s Talk About Sex

    January 4, 2021

    By: Cheri Locke, MA, LPC, CCTP Sex. We are officially in 2021 and sex can still be a taboo topic. So let’s take a minute and talk about sex baby, let’s talk about…(Salt-N-Pepa anyone?) For many couples sex can be a source of great pleasure or great dissatisfaction. There are many factors that can play […]

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    Let’s Talk About Sex

    January 4, 2021
    By: Cheri Locke, MA, LPC, CCTP

    Sex. We are officially in 2021 and sex can still be a taboo topic. So let’s take a minute and talk about sex baby, let’s talk about…(Salt-N-Pepa anyone?) For many couples sex can be a source of great pleasure or great dissatisfaction. There are many factors that can play a role for couples that experience displeasure in the “bedroom”.  Firstly, if there are issues in your sexual relationship, rule out any medical issues. This article is not intended to help with any medical issues. Seek help from your medical provider if you believe any medical issues are present. This blog is intended to help you find ways to understand yourself a little better and hopefully spark a little fun or pleasure back into your sex life! You’re welcome.

    Couples Need To Prioritize Sex

    Okay so this does not mean that you need to have sex daily. What is does mean is that you need to have a healthy understanding of what you and your partner’s level of needs are when it comes to sex. Couples that experience a strong sexual connection over a long period of time are friends (more about that later) that are able to make sex a priority in their life.

    I often hear from couples in my practice that they are busy with life. They forget to make time for one another, whether it is dating, spending quality time, or having sex. An easy exercise to try is to schedule time for sex. Scheduling time for sex allows partners to take a break from life and remember their relationship. Sound unspontaneous? There are ways to make it more spontaneous. For example, you and your partner can fill a jar with “sex” ideas. On the scheduled day pull from the jar and have some fun. There are also many sex coupon books or cards that you can purchase to add mix things up.

    Friendship Between Partners Can Create A Strong Sexual ConnectionA man and woman laying in bed talking after having sex

    When couples first come to see me I ask two questions, “do you feel emotionally connected” and “do you spend intentional time together.” Some couples may answer they feel emotionally connected, but the majority of couples respond they do not spend intentional time together. So what is being intentional? At the most basic level, it is responding to your partner’s needs while being wholly present.

    For instance, many couples spend time watching television together. Are you together? Check. But, are you being intentional? My guess is probably not. So while there is not a one answer fits all, I encourage you and your partner to find time in your day, even if it is for 20 minutes, to be present with one another. Talk, hold hands, laugh, create memories. This will not only help create a stronger emotional connection, it will strengthen the friendship bond. In turn, this helps to create a stronger context in your relationship that promotes a healthy sexual relationship.

    Partners who recently had sex after learning their desires during couples therapy in Katy, TX 77494Red Light, Green Light, Yes To Sex

    Many women enter into therapy explaining they love and desire their partner’s; however, it all adds up to a big zero when it comes to sex. Does this mean they have changed over time into a nonsexual being? My guess is no. What it does mean is there can be a variety of reasons sex has changed over the years. Firstly, the context of how you feel about the relationship or sex may have changed. Figuring out your emotional state in a relationship is very important to figuring out your sexual relationship.

    Secondly, people have red lights and green lights to sex. Red lights are what prohibit a person from fully engaging in a sexual experience which can be an internal or external factor. For example, some women have issues with their body image that may prohibit them from being free during sex. This is considered a red light. A red light for men may be performance anxiety.  When we are thinking about our bodies or our performance rather than focused on the pleasure of sex, we miss out and lose that connection. At times, we are not even aware of our red lights. However, when we can be fully present during sex, arousal and desire changes.

    Furthermore, green lights are the “go” signal for sex. Many people learn about sex through their culture, experiences, and environment. Sex is a learned behavior and some of our first experiences can shape our entire sex life. Some people may be turned on by their partners putting the children to bed, while others are turned on by gently kisses on their neck. Whatever your “go” button(s) are, you need to understand yourself and direct your partner.

    Can Therapy Help Improve My Sex Life?

    The answer is yes, if both partners are willing to assess the issues and make changes to the context of their relationship that are causing sexual difficulties. Both partners need to understand that rarely is the issue just about sex. There are often other components, either in the relationship or with an individual that is prohibiting a strong sexual connection. And, more often than not, I find that people are just not that aware of their needs, which often leaves their partners clueless as well.

    Begin Sex Counseling in Katy, TX

    If you are ready to improve your relationship and sex life, the therapists at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch can help! We provide couples counseling as well as counseling services to all ages. To begin counseling in Katy, TX follow these three steps:

    1. Contact our office to set up an appointment or to get more information about couples counseling
    2. Meet with one of our caring therapists
    3. Find ways to improve your sexual relationship!

    Other Therapy Services We Offer

    Here at The Counseling Center at Cinco Ranch we offer counseling services for people of all ages including: eating disorder treatment, depression treatment, women’s issues, treatment for anxiety, counseling for kids, counseling for young adults, teen counseling, family therapy,  men’s issues, trauma counseling, and group counseling. Our therapists strive to regularly post blogs with helpful information on a variety of mental health topics. To learn more about our therapists and our counseling services, please reach out to the Counseling Center today!

     

    Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: couples, couples therapy, marriage, marriage counseling, relationships, sex therapy



    281-665-7811
    info@cincoranchcounseling.com

    23236 Kingsplace Drive
    Katy, TX 77494

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